They dug up Beethoven, and found him decomposing......

How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Vampires live in the dark!

How many italians does it take to screw in the light bulb. two. One to screw it and the other to kill the witnesses.

Michael

How many bl**des does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. But you have to find a REAL big lightbulb.

Tombstone reads:

Here lies Lester Moore, 3 shots from a 44.....No less, no more......

I get no respect. When I was a kid my dad showed off the picture of the kid that came with the wallet!

Thanks Camelot. I am feeling better. For all of you traveling show biz people I have learned of a product called "Emer'gen-C." I will carry some with me from now on. Available at your local Wal-mart or GNC store. Enough product endorsement. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

I keep a clock under my desk so I can say I have been working overtime.

Sillily, Will

I get No respect. I told my wife I hurt my little pinky. She said that's allright, she had a a headache!

OK. Corny jokes. Why do statues of George washington always show him standing? Because he would never lie. Now THAT'S corny!

Hey fellas, let's keep this thread going!

Real story.

A few years ago, I told my sons that they could make jokes on April the first. But they didn’t… “Apparently”!

Two or three days later we had no time to do cooking for lunch. So we open a conserve of vegetable. But “surprise” it was a conserve of pine apple. Hi, very funny, we opened the pine apple conserve, but it was not the vegetable, It vas a “cassoulet”.

They have changed ALL the inscription of ALL the conserves. The jokes continued the whole month.

Hi, very funny, my lovely sons ! GRRRRRRRRRRR !!!

(A cutter, some glue, and a month of laughs)

I just joined a gym today. I went to start at the stair master. Well I became a master at staring at it :O)

Michael

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around." .....

I get no respect. When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said "hey look. Twins!"

When I was born the Dr yelled at my mother.

And evrey time I would be crying in my crib she'll look down and say I give up what is it.

When I was born, the doctor sued my mother for malpractice.

An old man learns he has only a few years left to live so he enrolls in law school. He struggles against his frailty, even takes some of the courses through correspondence and on-line, but finally he receives his degree. On his deathbed, he is informed that he has passed the state bar examination. His son asks him why he worked so hard knowing that he was soon to die. The father gasps: "One less lawyer..."

Now turn that one around and add it to your patter:

My grandfather spent his last years studying sleights. He read Marlo, he read Vernon, he read Erdnase, he memorized RRTCM. He practiced all day even though his arthritic hands could barely hold the deck. On his deathbed, I asked him why and he gasped: "One less cardman..."

My Parents are offended that they gave birth to me.

What's the difference between a Parrot and a girl from <insert city here>.

You can teach a Parrot to say no.

A lounge magician bets that he can identify any variety of beer by taste alone, blindfolded yet! The spectators start bringing him beers and sure enough: Bud Light, Killian's Red, Dos Equis, Heinneken, he nails every one spot on. Finally a heckler returns from the men's room after urinating in a glass and hands it to the magus. "Yack!" shouts the magician. "That's pee!" "Yeah," says the heckler, "but whose?"

My first day in grammar school, the teacher said, "you have to raise your hand to go to the bathroom" and I said, "no you don't. Watch".

I'm so happy. I just finished my first book!
Tommorrow I'm going to read another one!

Fredd

A guy walks into a premasturbati_+ clinic and no one else else there,so he says"I must have came to early."

True story department.
I met an old man at the bar. He must have been 95 years old. He was celebrating and buying everyone drinks. I asked him what the occasion was and he told me that, after 65 years married to his wife, they finally got a divorce.
I was shocked. I asked him why they both waited so LONG to get a divorce. He said...
"Because we both wanted to wait 'till the kids were dead."