What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.

Why do magicians post corny jokes? :
Because they're taking a break from practising.

A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, "Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I'll sew them back on!" The man said, "I couldn't pick them up!" ...

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.' I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.' See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

You art to be ashamed of yourself.

TW

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

If you want more time, wear more watches...

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
...

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer!!"

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ...

Grocery list (grow•sree list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O. ...

Little Willie was a chemist
Little Willie is no more
Little Willie thought that H20
Was H2SO4 (sulphuric acid for those who didn't take chemistry)

Teacher:Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me. ...

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a high price for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!"