Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker were starving after a hard training session with lightsabres and went for a Chinese meal. Luke was much less adept with his chopsticks than with the instruments of a Jedi knight and kept dropping his sweet and sour pork all over his clothes. Eventually Obi-Wan could take it no longer and felt compelled to offer his apprentice some relevant advice: "Use the forks, Luke. Use the forks".

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
Millie: I is..
Teacher: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
Millie: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ...

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck.

They were all standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Noo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday during which we celebrate Jesus being born and give gifts to each other."

"Nooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about.

Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover.

After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans.

They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out.

If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

A man is driving down a country road, when he sees a blonde farmer standing in the middle of a field.

The farmer is just standing there, doing nothing.

The man pulls over and gets out of the car, walks to the farmer and asks him,

"Excuse me, just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"What, Nobel Prize?" asks the man.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

She has lost her business and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray...

'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.

Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays...

'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Again, she prays...

'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself..

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket.'

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Positive."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed.

Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet. "Let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What! Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor!" he started, "I've got this problem, I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog; a large, white, hairy, Pyrenees mountain dog.

It's crazy.

I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor.

"Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Long time ago, a plane was flying above the rainforest in northern Australia when suddenly the engine stalled.

The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land.

Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.

All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked,

"What's this flier doing in my soup?"

A man went into a shoe repair store in his hometown that he had not been in for almost twenty years. He found everything just the way he remembered it.

He went up to the counter and asked the man about a pair of shoes that he had left there for heel repair almost 20 years ago.

"One minute. I'll check,Ó replied the man.

A few minutes later, the repairman came back.

"Well..." said the man,

"They'll be ready Tuesday."

If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. ...

You heard about the man driving down the country road, when he accidentally hit a rabbit crossing the road??
Being the animal lover that he was, he felt terrible about this, but it became even worse when he got out of his car, looked and realized it was actually trhe Easter Bunny
He is on his knees, weeping a bit, over the realization of what had occurred.
As he is kneeling there, this young lady walks up to him, having seen his car parked in the middle of the road.
Finding him so distraught, she asked him about what had happened. When he explained this to her, she got a certain look in her eye, turned and went back to her own car
She shortly returned with an aerosol can in one hand, bent over and spritzed the dead rabbit where it lay..
Instantly, the Easter Bunny popped open its eyes, got to its feet and started hopping on down the road.. After some 10 feet or so, it stopped, turned around to where the humans were, waved at them, then, started to hop away again. This occurred about every ten feet or so, until the bunny was finally out of sight.The man who had hit the rabbit was absolutely stunned by what had just taken place. He looked at the girl, asked her what she had used. She handed the aerosol can to the fellow and he then read the label. It stated:
"Restores dead hair to life and creates a permanent wave!

A man got a blood transfusion, but the hospital ran out of blood - so substituted borscht.
Now his heart never skips a beet...

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alfa Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X". ...

Did you hear about the blonde who signed up for a memory course because she heard it was Memorial day?

Why did the blonde nurse take a red Magic Marker to work? In case she had to draw blood.

Why would anyone other than a magician buy a sub trunk? Well where else are you going to keep your sub?