I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. ...

How many Magicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb??

None, they get there assistants to do it!!

Does anyone have a count of how many times they were asked, can you make my wife or husband disappear ?????

How many times did you polightly smile or giggle when you really wanted to punch them ??? lol

How do retired sailors greet each other?
"Long time , no sea"

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor...

What kin of grades would insects have in school?

Probably a bee average.

..and blind people a 'see' average?...

What do you call a beautiful cat?

A glamour puss.

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? ...

Why do elephants like the internet?

Because they like the websites

Actually why do spiders like the internet ?

They like the websites (makes far more sense - where is my editor)

Two muffins sit in the oven, and one muffin says to the other:"it's quite hot in here".
The other muffin replies:"Oh My God, a talking muffing."

What do you get when you cross a giant Mosquito and a computer?

A megabyte

It's yellow and it tastes like banana?

monkeypuke

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. ...

Why did the marathon runner visit a vet?

To see why his calves were in pain.

Yesterday I saw a man that was dragging a rope behind him, and I asked him:"why are you dragging that rope?".
And he replied:"I've already tried pushing, but that didn't help".

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. ...

What's the difference between a blanket and a train?
If you don't know, then you've never been under one.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. ...