Back in school we all were given a word to use in a sentence and the word I was given was fascinate. so my turn came up and I stood up in front of the class and said. I have nine buttons on my vest. but I can onl FASCINATE.

The little Rascals are in school. It's time for spelling and words,so the teacher says to Buckwheat: "Buckwheat, can you use the word dictate in a sentence?" Buckwheat turns to Darla and says "Hey Darla. How my dic- tate?"

I went into a store I said to the salesman "I want to buy a watch".
"Analogue sir".
"No just a watch"

My sister went to the beautician. beautician asked her who she wanted to look like. she said barbara streisand. beautician said ok. and picked up a brush and broke her nose.

I called my acupuncturist, and said my back was bothering me.....He said to take 2 pins and call him in the morning.....

What's the difference between a magician and a pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

Two guys are shipwrecked, and floating in a life raft at sea, for 10 days with nothing to eat , and their water ran out 2 days ago. One of the guys sees a bottle floating in the ocean, and hoping for something to drink, he grabs it and opens it. Out pops a genie. "I am Abdullah-hullah, the almighty geneie of the bottle, and I will grant you one wish." Without giving it much thought, the guy says "Turn the ocean into beer!!" And with a *poof* the sea becomes ice-cold fine quality brew. The other guy slaps the wisher upside the head & says "You idiot!! Now we have to pee in the boat!!"

A blind man is almost killed when he is lead into traffic by his seeing-eye dog. After regaining his self, he pulls out a cookie and hollers for the dog. a bystander asks why the blind man is rewarding the dog for his mistake. the blind man replies, "oh, I am not. I'm just getting him close enough to kick him!"

I went to the Dr. and he said I looked Horrible and I told him I'll like a second opinion and he said ok your Ugly to.

What are You a Oil Painting ?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

kOnO

The next time you get pulled over for speeding, try this:

Once pulled over for speeding the guy was asked for his Licence.
Guy: I don't have a licence. Did not think I would need it.
Officer: Does the car belong to you?
Guy: No, I just stole it off someone.
Officer: Where is the guy?
Guy: In the Trunk. Next to the cash from the robbery.
Officer: Can you step out of the vehicle and open the trunk for me please.
Guy: Sure. I just need to get the keys which are in the glove compartment next to the gun.

When Back up arrives along with the officer's boss.

Boss: Could you please open your trunk.
Guy: Sure. (Open to show nothing in there)
Boss: I was told you have a gun in the glove compartment?
Guy: Mpht! (Open glove compartment to show nothing)
Boss: May I see your Liscence and ownership papers?
Guy: Sure (Hand it to him:
Boss: I was told buy that officer (points to officer)that you did not have one, and that the car was stolen from a guy who you had in the trunk, and that you had a gun in the glove compartment.
Guy: Oh? The liar probably told you I was speeding too!

HEE HEE.

Now that I am getting older...

I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
I'm a walking encyclopedia of facts... I've just lost the index.

I've now realized that aging is not for sissies.

One really nice thing is that I can hide my own Easter eggs.

kOnO

Hey what is the number for 911??

Michael

I don't know what the number for 911 is I called the operator then she dialed information to get it.

LOL Doug I think someone Did. pages 4 to 9 are missing.

I stole them. They were hilarious! Well, I printed them out threw them into the fireplace. It just roared!

“Words are my craft. Words are my passion. Words are... well... you know...”
- Steve Martin

1 Goose 2 Geese. 1 Moose 2 Meese?

I also tried, but couldn't find the eleven.....

Hmmm Pain. Along with Handcuffs and chains.

Wolfies theres a crate of whips hidden som where. oops that's whipped creme.