((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone? "

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey? " he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all! "

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank? "

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? . . . Is this 555-7039??

Michael

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she
could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Michael

Hey mirror! That one about the swimming pool made me laugh my butt off! that's hilarious! The ending jumps up and hits you real good!

Thanks. Glad you liked it....I hope you can find your butt since you laughed it off....

Michael

I came home early from work to surprise my wife on our anniversary. As I was pulling up in the drive way, I noticed our mailman......naked. I rolled down the window and said "Hey buddy, you're naked." He replied "Hey Phil, you're home early!"

:bg:


Phil

I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like his passengers!

How bad of a driver was he.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me...

I am a great person, once you learn to worship me.

Hey You! Off my planet.

Computer Electronics Philosophy: Electronic component run on smoke. When the smoke escapes out the top of the system, the system is broken and you must try to get all the smoke back into the components so that they can work.

I'll Rise, but I wont shine!

There's something that I don't understand.

I have flood, fire and life insurance.

If I have a flood, they pay me.
If I have a fire, they pay me.

This must be proof that I don't have a life because they haven't paid me a dime!

Fredd

--For the Smart Women  
 
He said... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."  
She said....  "You wear  pants don't you?"

 
He said... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said.... "That's a good idea-you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"  

 
He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said... "Turn sideways  and look in the mirror!"

 
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know, it has never happened.

 
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.  

 
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

 
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
   Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."  
The man says, "But, God, why did  you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."  


Wolflock, Thanks. Dang I feel bad that I got that wrong. What a bad jokester I am

hehehehe

Michael

I was at a party with him and he was stone cold sober but we still took his keys away and called a cab.

He saw a sign that said "$500 Fine For Littering" so he threw his wallet out the window.

He hit an oncoming car and when he came to in the hospital, he told the police "I swerved to miss a tree." They told him it was his air freshener.

China has an Olympic hockey team,,,,,I think they're called the
Chinese Checkers.......

Just took this picture the other day at Lake Michigan:

http://www.shanemcdonald.com/laughs/stress-test.jpg

Wow I was like I couldn't believe it cause when I snapped it it was over. When do you ever see these two animals in Lake Michigan at this time of year. Well I think I need to take my medication more often heheheh

Michael

A great saying

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Michael

That looks like one for the front page of the Weekly World news!

Then I took it then hehehehe


Just imagine how freaked out I was to see both of those animals swimming next to each other in LAKE MICHIGAN and non-salt water body. Pretty neat eh!!

Michael

That is weird. I could understand if it was Lake Ontario, but Lake Michigan??!!!

Fredd

Hey, my dog accidentally swallowed a flashlight!

It's OK. he coughed it back up.

Was he OK?

Oh, yeah. he was delighted!

Today's weather: Muggy, followed by Tueggy, Weggy, Thurggy,,,,,,,,,,,

Same guy wanted to go hunting, saw a sign that said "Bear Left," so he went back home.

Jack Shalom

A guy was out bear hunting, and he saw a bear coming over the hill. He pulled out his bear gun and began to unload and was so scared he missed .

The bear is now in a rage and is running toward him like a freight train, growling like mad, foaming at the mouth, and geting closer.

The guy pulls the trigger, and horrors! No more bullets!

The bear gets so close the guy can see the glint of his teeth, and the guy is so scared he is frozen in his tracks!

Finally the bear is so close the guy can smell his breath and in a couple seconds the fella will become lunch.

He can't move, but he manages to squeeze out a little prayer to God.


"Oh GOD! PLEASE let this bear get religion REAL FAST!!!

Suddenly, a lightning bolt flashes out of the clear blue sky, and their is a deafening clap of thunder that shakes the mountains.

Then, miraculously, the bear DROPS to his knees, and says "Oh Lord. For what we are about to receive, please make us truly thankful....