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joseph
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Two victims are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one victim turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.......
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Daffynition:politics-The condition that occurs when your parrot acidentally swallows a wrist watch (polly ticks. Ya' get it?) Hey, the title said CORNY jokes!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"......
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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I see you have a dog!

Yep.

Spitz?

No, but he drools a little.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A drunk stumbles into a catholic Church, enters the confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there.

Finally the Priest pounds three times loudly on the wall.

The drunk mumbles " There ain't no use (hic) knocking. There aint no paper on this side either!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"......
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
The Donster
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The Problem with the Cow/Dolphin Pic is. 1 it is to clear for Being Lake Michigan. and 2 I'm Sure Michael was Udderly Delighted at seeing this Smile
ed rhodes
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Quote:
On 2004-12-09 11:32, The Donster wrote:
Guessing the punchlines. 1 Hardened Criminals 2 insane 3 ???????????? 4 Marooned 5 ????????????? any clues as to what 3 and 5 are ?


2 is actually "your (you're) nuts" - Thank you Austin Powers!

Quote:
On 2004-12-09 11:32, The Donster wrote:
Guessing the punchlines. 1 Hardened Criminals 2 insane 3 ???????????? 4 Marooned 5 ????????????? any clues as to what 3 and 5 are ?


Oh, and 5? He had opened Mamma's male (mail).

Quote:
On 2004-12-30 11:14, juggleral wrote:
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro sinko
Did anyone hear about that new French restaurant on the Moon?
Great food but no atmosphere
Last weekend I bought a hide a bed, I put it away, and now I can't find it.
These arn't old jokes, it's folk humor.
What did you expect Dolly Partton on a trampolene?


Can't remember the comedian, but he had some great one-liners.

Spilled some spot remover on my dog... haven't seen him in three weeks.
Bought some batteries, but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.
Bought a humidifier and a de-humidifier. Turned them both on in the same room and let them battle it out.
"All the world's a stage, but the play is badly cast!" - Oscar Wilde
BSutter
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Steven Wright from "I have a pony".
daffydoug
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At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call fom a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. Desk clerk says "It opens at noon."

about an hour later, he gets another call from the same guy, only he sounds drunker than before. "What time does the bar open?"
desk clerk says "Same time as before...noon."

Another hour passes and he calls again, PLASTERED. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

Clerk says "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send you up something."

"NO! I dunt wanna get in, I wanna get OUT!!!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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The invisible man married the invisible woman; their kids were not much to look at either!!!!
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
ed rhodes
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Quote:
On 2005-02-28 15:45, BSutter wrote:
Steven Wright from "I have a pony".




That's right. I love this guy, but I couldn't remember his name!
"All the world's a stage, but the play is badly cast!" - Oscar Wilde
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Quote:
On 2005-02-24 18:39, daffydoug wrote:
Quote:
On 2005-02-24 15:52, The Mirror Image wrote:
Just took this picture the other day at Lake Michigan:

http://www.shanemcdonald.com/laughs/stress-test.jpg

Wow I was like I couldn't believe it cause when I snapped it it was over. When do you ever see these two animals in Lake Michigan at this time of year. Well I think I need to take my medication more often heheheh

Michael

That looks like one for the front page of the Weekly World news!


You can definetly tell that this pic is a fake. That is a fresh water cow, not a salt water cow.

You may all thank me now!! ;-)

S. Patrick
daffydoug
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Little Johnny comes down for breakfast one morning, and since he lived on a farm, his mother asked him if he had done his chores. He says "Not yet.", So his mom tells him he will not have any breakfast until his chores are finished.

Little Johny gets really peed of, and goes to feed the chickens, and takes out his anger by kicking the chicken. The chicken sqwaks and feathers go flying everywhere.
next he goes to milk the cow, and does it again. He kicks the cow, and goes to feed the pigs. You guessed it. He kicks the pig also.

He goes in for breakfast, and his mom gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" "Why didn't you put milk on my cereal?"

"well," says mom I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week" I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a whole week" "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk on your cereal for a week too."

Just then his father comes into the kitchen and kicks the cat on his way in.
Little Johnny looks at mom and with a smile says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." .....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says 'About two hours" So the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around and sees a full shop and says "About two hours", so he leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around and says "About an hour and a half" So he leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "hey Joey. I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes"."

A little while later the guy comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says "This must be good! Where did he go?"

Joey says "To your house"


A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to divest herself of her garments. She finishes, and the guy is so busy staring at her that he runs off the highway and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and boyfriend are trapped in the car.

He pleads "Go get help!"

she replies "I can't! I'm naked!"

He points to his shoe that was thrown out of the car and says " Cover your ***** with that and go get help!"

She takes the shoe, covers her **** and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant ' HELP! HELP! My boyfriends stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her **** and says " I'm sorry miss. He's just too far in."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
magicsteve99
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After completing a physical exam, the Doctor tells his patient that he has very little time left. The man asks, "How long do I have, Doc?" The doctor says, "Ten." The man asks, "Ten what? Ten months, ten weeks, ten days?" The doctor says, "nine, eight, seven, six,..."
joseph
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I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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This is the story of a bartender who was also a weight lifter in his spare time. His strength had grow to legendary status. In fact, the local bar patrons were so sure of his physical abilities, that they offered a standing $1000.00 bet.

Here is the bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon into a glass until all the juice ran out. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop out of it would win the money.

Many people accepted the challenge, but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man walked into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyseter suit and said in a little squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet"

After the hilarious laughter died down, the bartender said "OK. You're on. He took the lemon, squeezed the crap out of it, and handed the shriveled rind to the little man.

The crowds hoots and howls turned to deaf silence as the little twerp put his fist around the rind, and with a mighty squeeze, six drops fell into the glass.

You could have heard a pin drop.

The bartender reluctantly paid up, and asked "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or a weight lifter or WHAT??"

The little twerp simply said in a most twerpy voice "No. I am an IRS agent'"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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