(Some I wrote this week)

Earlier tonight, I took my wife to dinner. And when the wine steward showed up, she told me she wanted something "expensive"... so I ordered a bottle of regular unleaded.

The price of fuel has hit an all-time high. In fact gas is so expensive, if Robert Blake were to murder his wife today, he said he'd shoot her on the bus.

Gas is so expensive, now when Robert Blake forgets his gun at a restaurant, he doesn't even drive back to get it.

The judge in the Michael Jackson trial has ruled that past allegations against Michael Jackson are now admissible. Michael was so upset when he got the news, some color actually drained into his face.

Whitney Houston has checked herself back into rehab. And her husband Bobby Brown is taking it pretty hard. The last thing he wants to do is break in a new sparring partner.

This is an old and rather unfortunate funny: What is O.J. Simpsons web address? //Esc (Slash, Slash, Backslash, Escape)........ Now I've made myself sad.


I have a dog, and I hate his guts......... But I guess I have to eat what my wife feeds me.

Wow.....that is some serious stuff there...

Tarzan and Jane...I hear tarzan got in trouble with her. Cheeta was causing trouble and she told him to go out back and spank the monkey....

Tarzan Jokes Huh. ok heres one Tarzan comes swinging into his tree house and he says jane give me a Martini. he takes it and he drinks it down and he says jane give me another Martini. so he takes that and drinks it down to. then he asks Jane for another Martini and Jane says to Him Tarzan don't you think that three martinis are enough. and he says you don't understand Jane its a jungle out there.

Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels...........

That joke should be. why don't seagulls fly over the bay. because if they did then they'll be bay-gulls.

Since you just loved the last one, you asked for it........
If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk? .....

Don't you think gay men should have their own bathrooms?
Not to be rude or anything.
If you think about it, it's kinda like a man going into the ladies bathroom.
The only difference is, he is disguised as a real man.
Or instead of that, they should go to the ladies bathroom.
They belong to that team. If we have to play by the rules, then so should they.
What about those transsexuals? What the **** is up with that? Who are they fooling?
Was it a decision making problem? Or are they waiting for the operation to be completed?
A man wearing make up is kinda like a leopard giving you a facial, it doesn't really work.
If anyone should have their own bathroom, it should be the transsexuals.

Back to the show:
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.....

TO GOD - FROM THE DOG:

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God,
When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Michael

If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
EUROPEAN... of course!............

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodle!

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in......

What's quivering on the bottom of the ocean floor?

(Brace yourself)

A nervous wreck!

A guy went to the shrink and told her that he was a dog. So the shrink told him to lay on the couch so that they can talk. He replied,"I am not allowed too."

Michael

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Michael

Why? You can get the joke however it's written.

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

Call a psychic and ask them to tell you your name....and when they ask for a credit card number...well tell them that they can read minds that they should be able to see it hehehehe

Michael

....why was Tigger's head in the toilet?

...he was looking for Pooh.