If flowers don't talk back to you, are they mums? ....

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No Eye-dear! (no idea...)


What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs?

Sill No eye-dear!


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef!

Moderators - please feel free to remove this if it crosses the line!

What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?

Still no ****ing i-dear.

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest
"Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"



"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40
years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he
did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming
destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding
Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so
many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he
whispered to himself.
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something,
move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook
his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have
happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold
and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he
said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "And for
heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?...

Sadly, YES!

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? ....

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time
anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.


"In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? ......

HAHAHAHAHA

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.

"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.

"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.

"well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? ....

Some apes were smart enough to realize that leaving the trees was a bad idea.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

True; Man descends from apes; Apes descend from trees....

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually
tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.
As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program,
the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut
goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in
forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the
hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their
daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's
studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He
then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and
low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to
get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes
school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers,
I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? .....

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all
of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
can
imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up,
and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but,
true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees
"Ees, a Ham Bush

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do? .....

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your
brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said
afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to
attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they
replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be
calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you
who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well,
take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"