WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff
v.s.
THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant
In the United States District Court,
Southwestern District,
Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company,
manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,
incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district
and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries,
loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct
result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under
Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072,
subsection (a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that
company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him
bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such
injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his
ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to
use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of
the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate
and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such
sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a
length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot
forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and
neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.
Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing
jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered
sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this
maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and
a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the
unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into
collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full
bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full
or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an
aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use
this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably
similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant
sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached
powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with
little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy
casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently
as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the
Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided
Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order
Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as
Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive
purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal
effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a
wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward
around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert
floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed
a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the
spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the
butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr.
Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned
down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to
naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in
the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in
the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories
of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to
date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and
extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is
simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to
milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a
tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.
Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are
at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent
to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to
frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals
and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the
lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed
appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped
near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension.
Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the
lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown,
the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote.
As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in
air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent
feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and
forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.
The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to
bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs
adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact
with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or
both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one,
this process continued for some time.
A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a
vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.
Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.
Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he
walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step.
The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a
major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching
powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and
two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust
Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of
supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners
in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a
giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most
reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual
damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional
occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering,
injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees
of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages:
thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By
awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and
assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right
of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? ....

This reminds me of a similar stunt we used to enjoy at the dining hall
in my undergrad days. The food service used opaque plastic salt and
pepper shakers with pop-off tops that could be pried off with a knife
blade if you were persistent enough.

PREPARATION (in a restroom nearby): (1) Empty salt ( or pepper) from a
previously 'acquired' container and fill about 1/3 full with
concentrated lemon juice. (2) Place a thin tissue across the opening,
poke it down a bit to form a depression, and fill the depression with
about a teaspoon of baking soda. (3) Cover (from the inside) the
holes of the top with tape of the appropriate color. (4) Replace top
on container and trim visible tissue from around the top.

Carry the device to dining hall (upright and as stable as is
possible... for your own sake).

After discretely placing the shaker on your table (only place it near
to you... see caveat #1 below), observe the next person to use the
salt (pepper). (S)He will shake lightly at first, then harder as
nothing comes out. Due to the breakdown of the tissue and the pressure
resulting from the classic acid/base reaction, the top will pop off
(quite spectacularly) amidst a shower of foam. Your victim (as will as
everyone around) should have quite a reaction, since one does not
usually observe this type of behavior in a salt (pepper) shaker!

CAVEATS: 1. The top will come off with some force. If the holes are
sealed well, this will happen on about the second or third shake.
Once, though, due to poor sealing, it took about 5 seconds, during
which time our victim started looking at the shaker to examine the
"foamy stuff coming out" of the holes... we quickly grabbed the shaker
from her to direct the top towards the ceiling before it went off. So,
watch carefully!

2. The "foam shower" (lemon juice & soda) may ruin you victim meal...
be prepared to pop for another one.

3. Don't do this if your victim or anyone near ground zero is dressed
up (this joke will flop at board meetings and the like).


An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and say, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains really hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides".

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? ....

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his (bleep) in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm (bleeping) nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. .....

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this
over your mouth and nose, and breath
normally."

How can something be new and improved? If it's really new there hasn't been any time to improve it. If it's been improved it can't be new.

Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!" .....

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem
doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained,
"It wakes me up."

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that she is there about her husband. "You see," she said, "he thinks he is a refrigerator." The psychiatrist replied, "That doesn't seem like a dangerous delusion. Why don't we wait a bit and see if the condition cures itself."

"No, no," the woman cried. "You don't understand. He sleeps with his mouth open and I can't fall asleep because of that little light."

---------------

A man went to see a psychiatrist and said to him, "Doctor, my wife made me come to see you just because I like pancakes."

The doctor replied, "I don't see anything wrong with that. I happen to like pancakes, myself."

"Oh, you do?" the man said with a happy smile, "you must come over some time. I have a whole garage full!"


Three men arrived at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asked the first man what had happened to him to bring him to the Pearly Gates. He said, "St. Peter, I feel awful. I was a very jealous man, and I arrived at my apartment after work convinced my wife was cheating on me. I lived on the fifth floor, and I looked out the window and saw a man just leaving the building. I thought that that was the man who was seeing my wife, so I pushed the refrigerator out the window and killed the poor fellow. I felt so bad that I killed myself."

St. Peter turned to the second man and asked his story. "Well, St. Peter," he replied, "I was a doctor. I went to see a patient in an apartment building, and as I was leaving, a refrigerator fell on me and killed me."

When St. Peter asked the third man, he said, "Geez, I dunno. I was minding my own business, sitting in a refrigerator..."

--------------

As people were lined up at the gates of Heaven, wating to be interviewed by St. Peter, a guy in a white coat walked up and down the line of people and stopped every once in a while to listen to someone's chest with a stethoscope. Someone in the line asked, "Who is that? What's he doing?"

Someone else in the line said, "Shhhh! That's God playing doctor!"

Young: The Grateful Dead
old: Dr. Kevorkian

young: Getting out to a new, hip joint
old: Getting a new hip joint

young: Moving to California because it's cool
old: Moving to California because it's warm ....

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him? she asks.

"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"

"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"

"Yes", comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing" the man replies.

Real Estate Terms

Sophisticated City Living - next to a noisy bar.
Old World Charm - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.
Contemporary Feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
Close to Lakes - Impossible to park on street from April to October.
Picturesque setting - Abandoned cars and waist-high weeds on neighbors lots.
Wide Open Floor Plan - previous owner removed supporting walls.
Updated Kitchen - Sink no longer overflows.
Security System - neighbor has dog.
Needs TLC - major structural damage.
Motivated Seller - been on market for 14 years.
Convenient - next to freeway onramp.
....

Daffydoug, I really did laugh out loud when I got to the punchline of "Push."


Joseph, I can't imagine anyone eating a raw oyster for the first time. He must have been absolutely starving (or nuts).

Mostly for the kids (but I like it, too):

"What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?"

"A noisy noise annoys an oyster."

(Say it out loud.)

I'm originally from New Orleans, where some people pronounce "oysters" as "ersters," as in "Ersters will sperl if you berl them in erl."

Yup!! It's pretty durned funny!


A drunk in a bar heaves all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “%&$#%,” he says. “I heaved on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone heaved on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who heaved on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too!”




It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap!!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

Science and Medicine statements........
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The
other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get
around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think
so, too.
......

Joseph, how very true!

"The results seem to indicate..." -- I'm just guessing at this point.

"It is obvious that..." -- I'm too lazy to do the math.

Things you do not want to hear during surgery:
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Darn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

"What's this doing here?"

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?" .....

Or how about this one: "Oops!!"


While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a
proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality
of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider
going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"