OK, I'll bite. What about the bag of peanuts?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?.....

Ever hear of the redneck who thought that "Manual Labor" was the new
Mexican President?

What do you get if you cross a flea with a rabbit?
A bug's bunny.

How can you tell when it's rabbit pie for dinner?
It has hares in it.

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?....

I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's bet, bet, bet."
"Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said,
'I bet that's a false beard.'
'How much?' I said, and he said
"$5 "
"What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"

Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi? ....

Why do men take showers instead of baths?

Peeing in the bath is disgusting!

Church bloopers:
-The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.

-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

-The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience....

Doctor, I keep stealing things.
What can I do?
Try to resist the temptation, but if you can't, get me a new television.

Why on earth didn't Noah swat those two dang mosquitoes? ....

Noah took onto the ark animals in pairs, but he was afraid that the couples would "get together" and make little ones. So, he hired the monkey to break up potential situations and even gave the monkey a stick for this purpose. The monkey was very effective in breaking things up, and he had a big time doing this.

Finally, when the waters receeded, the animals were leaving the ark two-by-two down the gangplank. The cats got to the gangplank and were followed by a long line of kittens. The monkey scratched his head and said to the cats, "How in the world did you manage to have all those kittens?" The tomcat laughed and said, "Ha! you thought we were fighting, didn't you?"

Posted: Aug 16, 2005 11:08pm
An old one, but maybe some haven't heard it:

All the animals went onto the ark in pairs, except the worms. They went in an apple.

More church quotes:
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

-The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

-Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

-Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

....

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to
the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain
announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very
bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane
will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below
us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island
appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So
the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our
lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,
whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay
our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"
"Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"
Now Morris laughs.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this month?"
"Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.
Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"

IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be ....

What did the vampire call his false teeth?
A new fangled device.

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
"You always take me for grunted!"

How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts "Rover"!

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?
He wanted to raise some hard cash.

Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job? ...

Business News: The Kraft Company has just announced that it will be moving its entire operation to Israel. The company spokesman also indicated that the company will change its name to "Cheeses of Nazareth."

Posted: Aug 17, 2005 10:16pm
An elderly couple was watching a TV preacher. The preacher began to talk about spiritual healing and said, "Now, I want you to put one hand on the TV set and the other on the part of your body that ails you, and the when we pray, the Good Lord will HEAL YOU!" The old lady got up, put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip. Her husband got up and put one hand on the TV and the other on his privates. The old lady scowled at him and said, "Paw, the preacher said he would heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

Did I ever show you where I backed into the buzz saw?...

A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor.

They could not get the draw bridges down for a week!

Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my *** money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my *** money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...get lost.......& that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger....