What did the egg say to the boiling water?


"I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?....

What Do you get if you put your Canary in a Blender. you get Shredded Tweet.

What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

....

An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30,
and would he have any suggestions.
"Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."
A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is
going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.
The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?"
"Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? ....

Three animals were having a drink in a Café, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste.....

What will a monster eat in a restaurant?
The waiter.

What do you give a seasick yeti?
Plenty of room!

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up? .....

I knew a man that had the whole left side of his body amputated.
He's all right now.

Man tells a psychiatrist, "I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee..."
Psychiatrist says, "Man, you're too tents."

Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?

Because they all have phones.

*GROAN* That last one cracked me up!

Posted: Aug 25, 2005 12:06am
Knock Knock,

Who's There?

Madam.

Madam who?

Open up ma dam foot's caught in the door!

Drive carefully. 90% of the people on the road are caused by accident!

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in his pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A passerby remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the dog had done.
"Not at all," said the blind man. "I only wanted to find out which end to kick!"

Posted: Aug 25, 2005 12:41am
Ob had just missed a shot at goal, which meant the other team won.
"I could kick myself," he groaned, as the players came off the pitch.
"Don't bother," said the captain, '' you'd miss."


There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said,
"Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink."
The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet."

There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said,
"Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink."
The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet."

A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you? What do you want?" "I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she retorted, and slammed the window shut!

There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge Café and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. "Everything's big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you, ma'am, that everything is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors. She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. "Please!" she screamed. "Don't flush it!"

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep....

I once had a woman with a little dog on a leash come up to me to ask a question. The dog lifted its hind leg and aimed at my foot. I quickly moved away from the dog, and the lady said, "Oh, don't worry, he won't bite." I said, "Oh, no, Ma'am, I was afraid he was about to kick me."

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
...

While staying at a motel, I asked a friend if he wanted to go swimming. He said, "Oh, no thanks. The motel won't let me in the pool." I was surprised at his answer and asked him why they wouldn't allow him in the pool. He replied, "Well, they kicked me out for peeing in the water." I said, "Aw, everybody does that." He answered, "Yeah, from the high board?"

Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo? ....