They try to sell it on Ebay....

Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair all down her back.
Harry: Pity it's not on her head!

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?" ...

You just might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home!

Posted: Sep 4, 2005 7:41am
Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?
Darling, of course I do.

How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ....

Why do bald-headed men never use keys?
Because they've lost their locks.



Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five O' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinessis -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Why is a boxing ring square? ...

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? ...

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your ***** in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of , uh, shall I say lungs?. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these two ******* of mine."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

A man decides to take his mental patients to the baseball game. He spends a week teaching them to stand, sit, and clap, by saying up nuts, down nuts, and clap nuts!...well anyway, they get to the game, and sure enough, here comes along the man yelling "peanuts"!

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair
and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber
began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest,
firmest, most beautiful ****** that he had ever seen
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend
some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay
you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you!"

Why is clear considered a color?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? ...

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?..

Paddy was driving home from a night at the pub, and weaving all over the road. Of course a cop pulled him over:
Cop - " Ok buddy, where have you been?"
Paddy - "Oh, I've been at the pub, of course."
Cop - "You've had a few to drink, haven't you?"
Paddy - "More than a few officer!"
Cop - "Well, I pulled you over because, a couple of intersections back, your wife
fell from the car."
Paddy - "Thank God, for a while I thought I had gone deaf!"

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' this, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here
- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

Posted: Sep 6, 2005 12:21am
Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school.

Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow."

"Why not?" asks Joey.

"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully.

"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?"

Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision."

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across
his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was
born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"

Posted: Sep 6, 2005 6:41am
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?"

Why is it that bullets ricochet off Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? ...

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"

Posted: Sep 7, 2005 6:45am
Monster: Doctor, doctor, I'm a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors.
Doctor: Oh what a shame. I'm a dentist.

Posted: Sep 7, 2005 4:48pm
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake....