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daffydoug
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If ants are such busy insects, how come they find the time to turn up at all the picnics?
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!......
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He
gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man,
"Are you Jewish?" The man says, "No." Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later,
he asks, "You wouldn't happen to be Jewish would you?" The man replies,
"No!" Joe immediately apologizes. Five minutes later he says, " Can I ask
you a personal question....are you Jewish?" He shots, "NO!" Joe continues
like this for the next four hours. When the train stops, the man runs
away. When he gets to the hotel, he realizes there is someone next to him.
It is Joe. Joe asks, Say, are you Jewish?" The man is so fed up that he
says, "Yes." Joe says, "That's funny...you don't look Jewish at all!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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How about the Egyptian girl that was laid in a tomb.

Now, she's a mummy!
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
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daffydoug
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A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."


A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm (hic) drunk."

Posted: Sep 9, 2005 9:59pm
What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
He gets taller!!
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joseph
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Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles? ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where
a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

Daff is on a roll!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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A similar story to one told by DaffyDoug:

I had an overweight friend who was so concerned about his not inconsiderable obesity that he went to his doctor about the problem. His doctor put him on a very strict regimen of diet and medications, and very soon he lost a great deal of weight. The only problem was that his skin failed to shrink along with his loss of body mass, and it hung in folds all over his body. He complained about this to the doctor, and the doctor said, "Oh, that's nothing to worry about! We'll just pull all the loose skin over your head, tie a knot in it, and if you keep your hat on, no one will know the difference." When I next saw my friend, he was very thin and his weight loss was obvious. I told him that he looked terrific, but I was curious about one thing. I asked him what was that little round depression on his forehead. He replied, "Oh, that's my navel." I said to him, "Your navel! Gee, that really is strange." He then said to me, "If you think that's strange, look what's under my tie!"

Well, I guess it's really the same story. Ya pays yer money an' ya takes yer choice.

Posted: Sep 11, 2005 1:27am
Gee, Daff, you've been on a roll for quite a while, now!

(I'm only on an English muffin, myself.)
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
joseph
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Quote:
On 2005-09-11 01:23, Bill Ligon wrote:
A similar story to one told by DaffyDoug:

I had an overweight friend who was so concerned about his not inconsiderable obesity that he went to his doctor about the problem. His doctor put him on a very strict regimen of diet and medications, and very soon he lost a great deal of weight. The only problem was that his skin failed to shrink along with his loss of body mass, and it hung in folds all over his body. He complained about this to the doctor, and the doctor said, "Oh, that's nothing to worry about! We'll just pull all the loose skin over your head, tie a knot in it, and if you keep your hat on, no one will know the difference." When I next saw my friend, he was very thin and his weight loss was obvious. I told him that he looked terrific, but I was curious about one thing. I asked him what was that little round depression on his forehead. He replied, "Oh, that's my navel." I said to him, "Your navel! Gee, that really is strange." He then said to me, "If you think that's strange, look what's under my tie!"

Well, I guess it's really the same story. Ya pays yer money an' ya takes yer choice.

That's hilarious!!

Posted: Sep 11, 2005 8:43pm
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Posted: Sep 12, 2005 6:02pm
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."

He says, "Why's that?"

She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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Two magicians were about to enter the dealers' room at a magicians' convention, when a funeral passed by. One of the magicians removed his hat and stood respectfully as the funeral procession proceeded down the street. "That's amazing!" said the other, "I have never seen someone with such respect for the dead." "It's the least I could do," commented the first magician. "We were married for over 45 years!"
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
WhiteAngel
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Quote:
On 2005-09-12 21:22, Bill Ligon wrote:
Two magicians were about to enter the dealers' room at a magicians' convention, when a funeral passed by. One of the magicians removed his hat and stood respectfully as the funeral procession proceeded down the street. "That's amazing!" said the other, "I have never seen someone with such respect for the dead." "It's the least I could do," commented the first magician. "We were married for over 45 years!"


I laughed out loud.
True illusionists strive to decieve the eye AND the mind.....
joseph
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The wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?
Darling, of course I do.


"In some countries," said the geography teacher, "men are allowed more than one wife. That's called polygamy. In others, women are allowed more than one husband. That's called polyandry. In this country, men and women are allowed only one married partner. Can anyone tell me what that's called?" "Monotony, sir!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Al Angello
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Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease, and I don't think it was a coincidence.
Al
Al Angello The Comic Juggler/Magician
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http://home.comcast.net/~juggleral/
"Footprints on your ceiling are almost gone"
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