Did you hear Alabama found a new use for sheep? wool.

Posted: Oct 3, 2005 10:22am
I bought a saw the other day, and I have to tell you, of all the saws I ever saw saw, I never saw a saw saw quite like this saw saws.

Posted: Oct 3, 2005 10:35am
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A banana peel and a banana are robbing a store.

"Don't worry," says the peel. "I've got you covered!

What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want, he cant hear you.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic.

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."

Posted: Oct 3, 2005 10:42am
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

What''s black, white, red all over, and doesn''t fit through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own *** blanket!"

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough”
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like s***.”

And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

Posted: Oct 3, 2005 10:43am
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Posted: Oct 3, 2005 10:50am
Q: What makes five pounds of fat look really good?
A: Nipples

sorry...

Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Boy Monster: Is it still beating?


How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, if they're small enough.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.

Q. Why does a dog lick itself?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that!”
To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”

Posted: Oct 3, 2005 10:57am
What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs?
A beat-up girl scout.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.

What is a fish's favorite game show?
Name that Tuna.

Q: What's blue and fluffy?
A: Blue fluff.

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
A: He got ****ed off.

Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
It heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

Posted: Oct 3, 2005 11:22am
Christmas Songs for Shrinks

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
An elephant in a plastic bag.

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"


A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What's wrong?' ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”


Do you know what a wok is?
It's something you throw at a wabbit.

A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what''s wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, "You''re not eating properly."

Two goldfish were in their tank.
One turns to the other and says,
"You man the guns, I'll drive."

Posted: Oct 3, 2005 11:39am
Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby?
A: Your dad's a wanker.

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."


One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."


A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.


Superman once wrote on the wall: "Batman is a wimp."
The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent."

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"


When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

osted: Oct 3, 2005 12:07pm
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A baby seal walks into a club.
I'll repeat myself. A baby seal walks into a club.


What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model?

A boner

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?

It was untweetable

the onliest joke ever told....
Knock Knock
Who's there?

Yo mama.

Yo mama who?

Yo blonde redneck mama who crossed the road to walk into a bar and screw in a lightbulb - you know your fat, dumb, drunk, crooked-politician lawyer mama, who pleasures 12 inch pianists.

fine fine, I quit for now...

Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby?
A: Your dad's a wanker.

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."


One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''




A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."


A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."



Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.


Superman once wrote on the wall: "Batman is a wimp."
The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent."

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"


When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

osted: Oct 3, 2005 12:07pm
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A baby seal walks into a club.
I'll repeat myself. A baby seal walks into a club.


What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model?

A boner

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?

It was untweetable

the onliest joke ever told....
Knock Knock
Who's there?

Yo mama.

Yo mama who?

Yo blonde redneck mama who crossed the road to walk into a bar and screw in a lightbulb - you know your fat, dumb, drunk, crooked-politician lawyer mama, who pleasures 12 inch pianists.

fine fine, I quit for now...

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does." ......

What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ?
A banana dressed up as a cucumber

What happened to the big shaggy Yeti when she crashed through the screen door?
She strained herself.

What do you call a Scottish sea monster who hangs people?
The Loch Noose Monster

On their wedding night the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that whe needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes he explained that his employer was going through a period of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55 he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million! Then she showed him certificates of deposit issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the thirty years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business."

That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

---------------

Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football," he young wife plunked down next to her new husband one Monday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few times, she gave him "THE LOOK."

Immediately contrite, the husband picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk -- I'll just turn up the volume."

___________________

By the way, it's called a "remote" because it is never close by when you look for it.

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't
he buy his dinner?.....

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down,
lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,
and then says, ``****it, I said UP!

God was just about finished creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought he might just as well ask them.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told hem, "and I was wondering if either of you had a preference for it."

Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give it to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeeease! Give it to me!"

On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place -- first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -- laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him in amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

God told her, "Brains!"

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?....

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ! Now that is FUNNY! (LMAO)

Posted: Oct 5, 2005 6:34pm

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?

What did the blond name her pet zebra?

"Spot."

--------------------

What do the letters "DNA" stand for?

"National Dyslexics Association."

-----------------------

I knew a guy who spent $30,000 to send his kid through college. All he got was a quarter back.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first
picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what
he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and
says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, don't blame me Doc... you're the one with the dirty pictures!"

3 successful brothers get together and discuss their mother's recent birthday. The lawyer says I bought mom a huge 10,000 sq foot 3 story house with all hand carved staircases and fireplaces. The Dr. says I loved the house and built mom a huge in home movie theater w/ a life time supply of new releases sent directly to her house on the national release date. The third brother says he never made the money of his brothers but desided to turn in his retirement and take a second morgage on his house and bought a parrot for $1,000,000.00. See the parrot, he continued, has memorized the the entire Bible and many history and commentaries on the Bible. So mother, who loved the Bible always had every verse and it's meaning accessable to her.

Just then the phone rings. It's momma. They put her on speaker phone. She tells the lawyer she loves the house but can't walk up stairs as old as she is and it was really a waste of $$. It is just to big and lonely. She tells the Dr. the theater was an original idea but her eye sight and earing have left her; combined with all of her friends having passed away makes the theater a useless gift. She then praises son #3. She tells him he is the only son that ever thought of her and not his own image when picking out a gift. She tells him his gift is perfect. See it was some of the best chicken she ever ate.

Once upon a time a small church advertised for someone to ring the bell in the tower of the church. The only one to apply for the job was a man with no arms. At the interview the priest asked the man how he could possibly ring the bell with no arms, and the applicant replied that he would demonstrate. He led the priest up the stairs to the bell tower. He backed up against the wall, as far from the bell as he could go, ran full tilt toward the bell, and slammed his face into the bell with a resounding "BONG!

The priest was taken aback, and visibly upset, he told the applicant that he couldn't allow him to do that, especially several times a day. The man begged and begged, saying that this was the only job he could get, considering his handicap. Finally and reluctantly the priest agreed to hire the man. Things went well for several weeks, and the man seemed happy with his job. Unfortunately, however, one day as he ran toward the bell a bird flew in the window, and the armless man, attempting to avoid the bird, missed the bell, went through the open window, and fell to his death below.

The priest, when he heard what happened, rushed outside to attend to the man. The police were already on the scene and asked the priest if he knew the armless man who had just expired.

The priest replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!"

-------------------

A short while afterward, the armless man's brother came to the church and asked for the job of ringing the bell. The priest, feeling sorry for him, gave him the job of ringing the bell. Not sharing his brother's handicap, the new bell-ringer rang the bell the normal way by pulling on a rope from below. However, he was in the habit of going up to the belfry to be alone while he ate his lunch. One day he finished his meal and stood to go back down the winding staircase, and stepped on a banana peel he had inadvertently dropped on the floor of the belfry. He slipped, and out the window he went, falling to his death in almost the same spot as his equally unfortunate brother. Again the priest ran out to the scene, again to find the police already there. The officer in charge said to the priest, "Father, do you know this man?"

The priest said, "Not very well, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was
driving when a
police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and
says "Did you
know you were speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said
to her husband
"What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said
"He said I was
speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?" The man replied
"Chicago" The
wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to
his wife and said,
"He wanted to know where we came from." The officer then said "
you know, they say even the worst ***** you ever get is good, but I had the worst **** I ever had
in Chicago. It really sucked!" The lady then says "What did he say,
what did he say?"
The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables.
What is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?.....

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering
the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The
priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said,
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

More sayings:
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

I'm not as think as you drunk I am. ....

What does a Baby Ghost call his Parents. A, TransParents

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children. ...