Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a great cure for a headache," said his friend Trev. "Whenever I
have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet
**** ***. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my
headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is
nice, too!"

"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"
"Fine. She vanished last night."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?" ...

Here's one if you perform in the golf-society:

Sammy Davis Jr. once played golf. Suddenly, without any warning he takes his golfclub and starts beating the hell out of his caddy. Another player comes on the scene and asks Sammy: Why, the hell did you do that? Sammy replied: See, I'm black, I'm only 5 feet tall, I got a glass eye and I'm jewish... and this idiot keeps askin' for my handycap...

Hope no one feels offended!! I had a really good laugh on this one....

Welcome Sven! hope you enjoy this veritable cornucopia of wild and wonderful cornball jokes in this looooooong (and growing longer everyday) thread

The attendant wasn't amused when I heaved my guts out right there at his feet. Well, maybe he should have taken time to clarify exactly what he meant by "No alcohol allowed beyond this point."

Those guys at Disneyland who have to wear character costumes ought to form a union. I'm not really all that concerned about their working conditions -- I just think the picket lines would be a hoot.

Some days when I look out my window, the sheer boundless beauty of nature amazes me. Her rolling hills, her scenic valleys and her gently undulating grasslands fill me with awe and pleasure. On other days, though, my "does-yoga-in-the-nude" neighbor has the shades down.


Lyndel

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek
god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman
deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-
faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or
less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles;
Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her.
Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to
steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres
was held with a double-header.

(Please don't throw tomatoes!)

Ha ha ha ha! That's my kind of joke! I love those worked-up-to puns!

Lyndel, those were great, too!



_________________________

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, a woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you do if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

Thanks Bill,

Your's reminded me of this one... Sanitized for use here on the Café:

**********************

Being a magician is a lonely job... I checked into a hotel while on the road once and was especially lonely this night, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Candy, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is a good time. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys,
everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover
me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does all that sound?"

There was a short pause and then she said, "That sounds interesting, but for an outside line you need to press 9."



Lyndel

A man born with no body, just a head, decided to get a body .... Halfway through the operation, he died unexpectedly....One doctor looked at the other and said, "He should have quit while he was a head." ....

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!

Posted: Oct 9, 2005 9:11am
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace.

I was at a party last night when a girl reached for a hors d'oeuvre and got a tidbit.

(OUCH!)

Posted: Oct 9, 2005 12:10pm
Lyndel and DaffyDoug, both of you made me laugh out loud. (My dog thinks I'm crazy).

And who knows us better than our faithful dog? (Smiles)

Posted: Oct 9, 2005 12:34pm
Two male flies are buzzing around the farm, cruising for good
looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a
pile of cow ***** and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me m'am" he asks, turning on his best charm,
"...but is this stool taken?"

Woka woka!!!

Posted: Oct 9, 2005 2:23pm
KENMORE HOSPITAL
61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.
BOSTON, MA. 02115


DATE:____________

NAME:

ADDRESS:


Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for

_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this

extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects

your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your *(deleted)* (crappy, excrementitious)

outlook on life.

Sincerely,


J. Grabber, M.D.
Kenmore Hospital

Posted: Oct 9, 2005 2:50pm
Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?

They don't like to look down on the unemployed.

Whats the difference between a pickpocket, and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches...

Posted: Oct 9, 2005 5:41pm
Whats the difference between a goldfish and a goat?
One mucks about in the fountains...

Posted: Oct 9, 2005 5:44pm
Whats the difference between a chiropodist and a bad drummer?
One bucks up your feet...

What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul...

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds
and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech.
At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me
with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups
don't really *deleted* (copulate), I'll have nothing left to live for!"

What's the difference between a nuclear physicist and a guy who enjoys the odor of flatulence?


The first is a smart feller...

I was sitting in a Caféteria recently, next to a Blonde woman who was
engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared:
"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the
sad news.

Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?

kOnO

Posted: Oct 9, 2005 10:32pm
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of soda pop.
The redhead said, "My boyfriend's like 7-Up. He's seven inches long and he's always up."
The brunette said, "My boyfriend's like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time."

The blonde said, "My boyfriend's like Jack Daniels."

The brunette cut in, "You can't use Jack Daniels. That's a hard liquor."

A smile crossed the blonde's face. "I know."

kOnO

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa hanged himself in the living room!"

His mother runs into the living room and sees no one there. Angrily she says, "Listen! You should never lie like that to me again! Do you understand?"

"I'm sorry," says the boy, "I was just kidding. He hanged himself in the basement."

Posted: Oct 10, 2005 1:07am
Sex:

When I was in my 20s, it was tri-weekly.

In my forties it was try weekly.

Now it's try weakly.

Whats the difference between a seagull, and a dirty dog?
One flits along the shores..........................................

Jeff walked into a bar and saw his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He asked him what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I want to ask out, but I get 'aroused' every time I see her?" "Yes," replied Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," said Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great! When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continued Paul, "but I was worried I'd get 'aroused.' So I got some duct tape and fastened ‘it’ to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" said Jeff.

"So I got to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face…"


Lyndel