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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Some corny jokes (5 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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daffydoug
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Smile And more on blondes...

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill?
A: Wishful Thinking. Smile
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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This blind guy was walking pass the fish market and he said
"Good morning ladies.."....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
uncleswede
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(from this year's Edinburgh Fringe festival)

I first realised I was dyslexic when I went to a Toga party dressed as a goat...

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?...

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears...

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork, but ...

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it...

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Har har,
Rgds,
Uncleswede
magicurt
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What's the difference in a group of african pigmies and the women's olympic relay team?

One is a cunning bunch of runts.
Bill Ligon
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed into his pants.

The bartender asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Aargh! It drives me nuts!"

Posted: Oct 10, 2005 5:06pm
A not so bright fellow decided that he wanted to go lion hunting. His buddies jokingly told him he needed a lion dog. "What's a lion dog?" he asked. They told him a lion dog was about two feet high, with short, brown hair, and an *** hole about three inches in diameter.

The poor guy went looking all over and couldn't find a lion dog. Finally, after three days of searching he saw in a yard a dog with short, brown hair and about two feet high. He knocked on the door of the house and asked, "Is that a lion dog? I"m looking to buy one."

It so happened that the owner wanted to get rid of the dog, so he said, "Yeah, sure. That's a lion dog." "May I look at him?" asked the potential lion hunter. "Certainly, take a look," said the owner. "Hey, wait a minute," said our not-so-bright friend, "his *** is only as big as a pencil. That's not a lion dog!"

The owner said, "Look. Do you see those things hanging down between his hind legs? Those are adjusting nuts. We have him turned down for wildcats!"
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daffydoug
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Smile Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from
school.

Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow."

"Why not?" asks Joey.

"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully.

"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you
sick?"

Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision."

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across
his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was
born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!" Smile

Posted: Oct 10, 2005 7:14pm
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a
judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He
asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get
one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the
license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they
had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice
versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got
another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in
the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued
licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there
are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and
any children you might have would be technical *deleted* (illegitimate children) ."

Groom: "That's funny - that's what the clerk just called you."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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I don't go to church. I'm a Seventh Day Absentist.
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daffydoug
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Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

Cheers Smile
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Professor Piper
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That's a good one Daff...

I may steal that one.

LOL

Prof. Piper
:juggle:

Posted: Oct 10, 2005 10:43pm
If a Bi-Sexual goes Missing,

Do they put their picture on a Carton of Half and Half?


Prof. Piper
"Nemo has been found! He was on an Admiral's Platter at Red Lobster!"
daffydoug
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Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if
my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and
one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel! Smile
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long and twice the fun.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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He who laughs last has thought of a dirty meaning.
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joseph
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When your nose goes on strike, do you picket?.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he snarls.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you??!!!
Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. he overturns the kitchen table, and throws a frying pan out the window, glass flying everywhere.

Looking out the broken window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!" Smile
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard.

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.

Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship. ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's
doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart,
he rang the bell.
"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure
you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"
"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take
a milk bath."
"Do you want it pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my (Deleted) would be fine." Smile
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Is the president of Apple Computers the Apple Head?....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive, thirty-five year old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downs each one.

"Whew," the bartender remarks, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be, too, if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asks.

"Fifty cents."

Posted: Oct 12, 2005 9:43am
The receptionist in a small office receiver a phone call. "Do you have a Sekshauer in your office?" asked the caller.

She replied, "Heck no, we're lucky if we get a coffee break!"
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
Lyndel
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wrote the theme to the TV show COPS!
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"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"


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joseph
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I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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