Q: Why don't women fart?
A: They don't keep their mouths closed long enough to build up pressure!

Two peanuts were walking down the street late at night. One was assaulted.

Ok. I couldn't read thru all the jokes so I hope these haven't been said yet:
if so, apologies.

Magician Jokes



A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"


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My dad was a great magician. He was walking down the street the other day and turned into a bar...


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enjoy,

gabe

The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
weeds, when she felt the tall grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.

An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt...

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man
or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then
interrupts:
"Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little
finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better,
your finger or your ear?

A blond got tired of all the blond jokes going around, so one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back at the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blond joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blond jokes. I want you to know that this blond went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

She pushed out her chest, held her head up high and said, "N."

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier. ....

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy
says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 23 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing a plaid mini skirt. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Lyndel

Posted: Oct 18, 2005 9:17am
..........More Footprints In The Sand..........

He asked, "Lord, what about when there was only one set of footprints ...and also a straight line with bootprints on one side and small, round circles on the other?"

The Lord replied, "Those were the times that I carried you, and we were joined by a pirate pushing a wheelbarrow."

Footprints in the sand. Lyndel, that's great! LOL!

Bill,

Thank's!

That is a good one huh?
:rotf:

Lyndel

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any panties?" her husband demands.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $30. Go buy yourself some underwear!"

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies either.

"Saints presarve us, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, " For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal thet she, too, is naked under it.

"By all that's holy, Aggie! Wherre the divil are yer drawerrs?"

She, too, explains. "You didna' give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.

The scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o' Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

One dark night in the middle of the day
Two dead boys came out to play
Back to back they faced each other
Drew there swords and shot each other
The deaf police man heard the noise
Came and killed those two dead boys
If you don't believe this story's true
Ask the Blind man he saw it to

Enjoy,

Michael

A Scotsman, visiting a well-patronized pub is standing at the bar. Suddenly, he clutches his stomach and bends over in pain. "Oooooh," he cries, "I'm afraid I've got Yoors!"

"What's Yoors?" asks the man standing next to him at the bar, concerned for the Scotsman's well-being.

"Aye, laddie," says the Scotsman straightening up, "I'll take a whiskey."

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton
doing the same?

Success is a relative term - It brings so many relatives!

Never put off the work until tomorrow - what you can put off today!

Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!....

A man rushes in to the house and shouts to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery"

"Ooh!", she exclaims, "Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"I don't care, just get the hell out of here."

Mike

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?....

Posted: Oct 19, 2005 6:31am
Quote:

On 2005-10-16 09:59, Bill Ligon wrote:
Quote:

On 2005-10-16 08:41, Lyndel wrote:
If the girls with big chests work at Hooters,then you should be able to find the
one-legged gals at I.H.O.P.
Lyndel

Ha ha! I'll have to ask Peg.

Or Ilene....

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought
and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the
Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in
U - N - T that means 'woman'?"

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even
bother to look up. "*A*unt, your Holiness."

The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do
you have an eraser?"

Lyndel here reminding you that you can fool your buddies into thinking you have just eaten a yummy jam tart, simply by rubbing your belly and saying "Mmmm, that was a yummy jam tart."

And to think I wasted good money for this special shampoo for my 5-year-old. I got his hair all lathered up, then told him there's no Santa Claus. "No More Tears," ...Yeah right ...whatever!

I think if you really like a girl, you should pay a LOT of attention to her. But try telling that to those jerks on the jury.

So after church, I went up to my preacher and informed him that my wife had passed away the night before. He said, "Oh, Lyndel, that's terrible. Tell me, did she have any last requests?" I said, "That she did, Father". The preacher says, "What did she ask of you?
To which I replied, "she said, Lyndel, put down that gun and take out that garbage!"




Lyndel