Q. What do you get if you cross a porcupine and a tortoise?

A. A slow poke.



Q. What do you get if you cross a Turkey and an Octopus?

A. I don't know either, but at Thanksgiving, everyone gets a leg.


Q. How do you make a Maltese Cross with two matches?

A. Poke him in the eyes with them.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

A woman's favorite position is CEO. ....

I know how you feel, buddy. My baby nephew used to cry during the night, I fed him 2 bottles of the stuff and the crying just got worse. What a swizz.

George

A true story: When I was a kid, my grandfather had one of his legs amputated. I was very curious about this and I kept bugging him to tell me how it happened. He wouldn't discuss it, but I kept asking until finally, in exasperation, he said, "OK. I'll tell you how I lost my leg, but you have to promise that you will not ask any more questions about it!"

I was finally to learn the big secret about how he lost his leg. "Yes, yes! I promise!"

He said, "It was bit off!"

A father decides it's time to tell his son about the facts of life, so he calls him over and says "Son, I think it's time I told you about the birds and the bees"

The little boy says "please dad, don't!"

Father: "Why not"

Boy: "when was 7 I got the "there's no toothe fairy" lecture, when I was 8 I got the "no Easter bunny lecture, and last year you told me there was no santa claus. If you tell me that adults don't have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

They have hyper-mammiferous girls working at "hooters", right? Kind of congruent, I'd say.

So where does a one legged girl work?

I Hop, of course.

Good one Daffy Doug?????????????????


Lyndel

Is there an echo?

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term - It brings so many relatives!

Never put off the work until tomorrow - what you can put off today!

Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!....

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on
someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife
a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a
try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was
great.
But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

Bumper Stickers:

(On the front): Yale Is Just One Big Party. (On the back): With a $25,000 Cover Charge

Coffee, Chocolate, Men . . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich....

A Army colonel was reviewing the troops.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days
compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days
compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this
man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

Posted: Oct 20, 2005 5:21pm
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished a jigsaw puzzle
in only a couple of months?
A: Because on the box it said "from 2-4 years."

God made relatives - Thank God we can choose our friends!

When two's company, three's the result!

82.6% of statistics are wrong...

98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%...

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because men fake foreplay, of course.

Posted: Oct 21, 2005 6:45am
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

Bigamy : one husband too many. Monogamy : same thing.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically....

The original is "One wife too many"

If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace
is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?

The Swallow.

First off... Apologies to all the women who read this, it can be told in the reverse as well, so in advance sorry..

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are stranded on an island when they find a genie. He agrees to grant them each one wish.

The blonde wishes to be smarter, turns into a redhead, and swims off, only to get eaten buyt a shark.

the Redhead wishes to be even smarter so she can avoid the shark. She turns into a brunette, builds a boat, sails off, gets stranded and dies of starvation.

The Brunette wishes to be even smarter, turns into a man, and walks across the bridge.

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.

OLD JANITORS never die, they just get swept up.

OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed....

HA-ha, ha-ha! That's going to be a classic!