What do you call the only jew in texas?

the lone star of david!

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to
his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams"

Love is photogenic....
It needs darkness to develop
-------------------------------------------------------

Children in backseats cause accidents...
Accidents in backseats cause children !....

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested!

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”...

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been
brought here for drinking.
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
-----------

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple
Two calves that will never become cows
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything
Twenty nails that won't hold a board
A chest that won't hold linen
Two boobs that won't give milk
Two buns that won't feed anyone
A belly button that won't button
Two balls that won't roll
An *** that won't pull a plow
An organ that won't play music
A **** that won't crow

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 9:24pm
Names to Use in Prank Calls

Hugh G. Rection
Jim Nassium
Claire Voyence
Buster Hyman
Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)
Dick Peede
Mike Hunt

Mai Dixie Wrecked

A few more for you:

Oliver Clothesoff
Al Coholic
Jacque Straupe
Seymour Butz
Mike Rotch
Hugh Jass
Ivana Tinkle
Adam Sapple
Adolf Oliver Nippils
Amanda Lay
Ann B. Dextrous
Pat Myez
Phil Atio
Phil McCracken
Lou Briccant
Moe Lester
Wayne Kerr
Tyrone Shoose
Tess Tickle
Stu Padasso
Phil Myez
Jack Mayhoff

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill
in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass
said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but
he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if
ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again
lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass
to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied:

"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom ! ...

Unless this Zebra is from Georgia. Then God would have said "You be what ya is. 'Cause if ya be wha'cha ain't, then ya ain't wha'cha is!"

What's the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil?

The white one got away

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Which day of the week do fish hate?.......
Fry-Day ....

I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...
he said "postage dew".

Ironic that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace.

My country invaded Iraq, and all I got was this expensive gasoline....

Now that I'm older, if I had to choose what superhero I'd want to be, it would probably be Sleep All Night Man. Or maybe Huge Bladder Man, which would probably be just like Sleep All Night Man except with a drier cape.

So I put on my trench coat, rumpled suit and brown shoes, and do my best Peter Falk imitation as I slightly cross my eyes. Alas, it seems I'm the only one celebrating Columbo Day.

It's usually funny to hum the theme from "Jeopardy!" while people are concentrating to make a difficult quick decision. But I guess the other members of my bomb squad just don't have the same sense of humor as I do.

If I could have dinner with one historical leader, it would have to be Gandhi, because I'd be all like, "Are you gonna eat that?" and he'd be all like, "No." And I'd be like, "cool!" and I'd fork it over into my own plate and go like "MMMMMM!" as I ate it...

Lyndel

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers....

Doug - That is SOOOOOOOO WRONG!

Why did the dog not cross the street?

cause it was not a chicken!

Michael

How do you get a cat to go woof?

Pour gasoline on it and light a match

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel.
When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as
a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his
new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I
wonder how the girls are doing?"