Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels. ...

Little Johnny says to his mother " Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."
The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to take you?".
Little Johnny says " No let grandma . . . her hand shakes! "

Where is the cat in the catwalk?
Do models walk like cats?

Why are apartments so close together?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?....

Mullah Nasrudin, wisest man in Islam, entered England for a visit.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asked the customs inspector.
"No -- sssssst, bzzz - nothing at all."
"How long do you plan to stay?"
"Oh, about -- ssssssssszzzzt, bzzz -- about three weeks."
"By the way, where did you learn English?"
"From the -- bzzz, bzzz, sszzzzzzzzbzzz -- radio."

Posted: Nov 3, 2005 9:25pm
Science alert

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men: a woman.

What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?

About 200 calories.

-----------------

What's the difference between Julius Caesar's barber and an angry Harry Houdini?

One is a shaving Roman, and the other is a raving showman.

--------------------

A blond was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. Next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned, the doctor was shocked to learn that she had lost more than twenty pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up
on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid %#%^ do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says
the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the little %$^#$ because he's been driving me
nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and
the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs
one, sticks it up his arse, then pulls it out and eats it. The
bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his arse,
then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate
that $%#$@ cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

Hear about the Spanish streaker....Senor' Willie?....

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate
music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played
appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...
and the band played "God Save the Queen."

Message found in a Mens Room at a Comedy Club:

"If you shake it more than twice, you are playing with it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are two kinds of people in this world:

Those that Masterbate...

And those that L-I-E!

Bill Ligon
About every 100 jokes I read I get a keeper, and you my friend have given me one that I just had to write down. What is the difference between an Israeli and an Isrealite?

About 200 calories
HA HA HA HA It was worth repeating, and Bill I will use it.

Al

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.

OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate....

You're welcome to use it, Juggleral. I stole it myself.

Posted: Nov 4, 2005 10:17pm
Daffydoug, "God Save the Queen," indeed! Hahahahahahahaha.

I wished they would stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years - you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: ...mowing my lawn!

So my online Tolkien Society buddies were one-upping each others' ability to translate the elvish in the "Lord of the Rings" movies real-time, but only *I* could tell it was actually being slightly corrupted by a subtle Klingon accent. Take that, losers!

Halloween was confusing. People are so wishy-washy. If you turn your infant children off candy by very mildly poisoning their sweets, you're some sort of "villain." But when they turn 22 and have never had a single cavity, you're suddenly a "hero." And another thing; When I pepper-spray trick-or-treaters, why can't the other parents get into the trick part of the holiday rather than just focusing on the treats?



Lyndel

"Rehabilitation Is for Quitters"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"...

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that
you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying
that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that
you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear
those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard
that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his $#@%!" "Oh NO! I only
said that it feels like he has a wart on his %^$#$!"

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel....

"Dad, what's ethics?" asked the man's young son.

"Well, son, you know how your uncle and I are in business together? Suppose a customer comes in and buys something worth $10 but gives me a $20 bill by mistake and doesn't ask for change. If I split the extra $10 with your uncle, that's ethics."

OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just lose their focus.
or....
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.....

"Was your wife a virgin when you married?"

"I don't know. Some guys say yes. Some guys say no."

I love photography. You take a girl into the darkroom and see what develops!