Bill and Gary were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.

‘The brightest dog I ever had,’ said Bill, ‘was an Alsatian that could play cards. He was brilliant at poker.’

‘What happened to him,’ asked Gary.

‘Had to shoot him,’ replied Bill mournfully.

‘That’s awful,’ said Gary. ‘A dog like that would be worth a million dollars.’

'Yup . . Pity . . but I had to do it,’ Bill replied, ‘Caught the bugger using marked cards!’

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"Where there's a will I want to be in it"

"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"

"If the shoe fits, buy it.----Imelda Marcos"....

That's a lie! He was using strippers!

What did the lesbian vampire say to her gf?
see you in 28 days...

Two guys having a drink on the 11th floor of a building...they order their drinks...in the middle of the conversation, one guy says to the other " do you know that if you jump off the window, when you reach the 9th floor, the wind will lift you back up swiftly and gently rentering the room?" guy 2 " that's bull@#$%" guy 1 jumps, reaches the 9th floor, flies back up and enters swiftly...
second guy was stunned and decided to give it a shot, he jumps, 9th floor, nothing, 8..7..6...he hits the ground and dies....bartender looks at guy 1 " you can be a real jack!@@ when you are drunk superman..."

At a U.N. meeting the American ambassador turned to the Japanese
ambassador and whispered, "When was your last election?" The Japanese
ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, "before bleakfast.

Speaking of which.....

when do chinese have their elections?

eally in the molning!

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
He enters a duck.
How can you tell if a Pole is present?
He bets money on the duck.
How can you tell if an Italian is present?
The duck wins.

In Argentina, Pedro was missing for several days. When he finally came home his wife said to him, "Pedro, where have you been?"

Pedro replied, "Ay, Maria, I was een jail!"

"Een jail, Pedro! Porque?"

"Ay, Maria, I was arrested for speeding."

Maria said, "For speeding! But Pedro, we don't even own an automovil."

Pedro answered, "Si, Maria, eet was for speeding on Meester Bush!"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he
discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is
so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop
owner the price.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an
extra thousand for the story behind it."

"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies,
"but I'll take the bronze rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of
the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into
step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster,
but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and
follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a
hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and
shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as
multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and
abandoned cars... following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run
full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the
time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve
blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it
with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco
Bay as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater
into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze
sculpture of a lawyer "

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn
ttthe *****cccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

OLD PYROMANIACS never die, they just lose their spark.

OLD QUARRY WORKERS never die, they just get blasted.

OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away.....

Boy: Those clothes are very becoming on you!
Girl: Why thank you!
Boy: Of course, if I was on you...I would becoming too!

Posted: Nov 7, 2005 9:03pm
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then sat down at his desk andbusied himself with desk work.


When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and casually and stoicly stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"Automobile -A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."...

The problem with the straight and narrow is that there is no place to park!

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
- To get diarrhea! ....

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and
asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

Posted: Nov 8, 2005 6:49pm
Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.

Two ladies of the night, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual....

Two ladies :
- oh boy, my husband got me flowers, will have to have my legs up in the air all day long!!
- why? don't you have a vase?


Q.why is california filled with attorneys, and New jersey filled with Nuclear waste?
A.New jersey picked first!

Q.what's the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead skunk?
A. there are skidmarks just before the skunk!

Coming from a high school student...that would shut me the h*ll up!

God, now I'm going to look at my history teacher much differently now. That's something he would do just for self entertainment...*punch* "OUCH!!...cool..." *punch* "OUCH!!!...cool..."

"Two ladies :
- oh boy, my husband got me flowers, will have to have my legs up in the air all day long!!
- why? don't you have a vase?"

Hahahaha! The image that that conjures up is hilarious!