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daffydoug
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Two farmers were talking at the general store. One farmer says to the
other, "Did you hear about that new variety of corn called Perot corn?"
The second farmer replies,"No I ain't." The first farmer says, "Yeah, it's
a big yielding variety. The stalk don't grow too big, but the ears are
tremendous!"

Posted: Nov 9, 2005 5:57am
Quote:

On 2005-11-08 22:36, Bill Ligon wrote:
"Two ladies :
- oh boy, my husband got me flowers, will have to have my legs up in the air all day long!!
- why? don't you have a vase?"

Hahahaha! The image that that conjures up is hilarious!

That is hilarious! Kudos! ROFL!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Horrible inventions:

* Battery-Powered Battery Charger
* Black Highlighter
* Book: "How to Read"
* Braille Driver's Manual
* Clear Correction Fluid ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being

smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who

probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was canceled. A

single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket

down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be

FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help

you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to

work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that

the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address

microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing

throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT

KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the

gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man

glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have

to stand in line for that, too."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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More bad inventions:

* Fireproof Matches
* Glow-in-the-dark Sunglasses.
* Mesh Umbrella
...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Quote:
On 2005-11-08 22:36, Bill Ligon wrote:
"Two ladies :
- oh boy, my husband got me flowers, will have to have my legs up in the air all day long!!
- why? don't you have a vase?"

Hahahaha! The image that that conjures up is hilarious!



I have told this one at work today a dozen times, and everyone thought it was hilarious! Thanks! That one's a keeper!

Posted: Nov 10, 2005 8:10pm
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

She opens the car door!

What does a blonde say after sex?

"Are you two brothers?"

Posted: Nov 10, 2005 8:12pm
What's Britney Spears' next career goal?

To learn how to sing.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
rayg1952
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Why is Six scared of seven because seven eight nine.
Mike Brezler
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A man is walking down the street by an insane asylum. There is a big wooden fence surrounding it and from inside he hears patients yelling "13, 13, 13."
He continues walking and the yelling gets louder as the patients yell, "13, 13, 13." The man gets closer to the sound and notices a small hole in the fence and he puts his eye up to it to see what's going on inside. All of a sudden a patient pokes him in the eye with their finger, and all the patients start to yell, "14, 14, 14."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 2:07am
An old man and his wife are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary by taking a vacation on a cruise ship. One night they are standing on the deck of the ship talking when the wife slips and falls overboard. The husband is upset and the captain tells the distraught husband they will take him ashore and look for his wife until they find her. Two days later the captain calls the man and tells him some distrubing news. "We found your wife and I am sorry to say she drowned, however attached to her body was an oyster and when we opened it we found a beautiful pearl worth $50,000.00. What would you like us to do?" The old man replied, "Send me the pearl and rebait the trap."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 2:14am
Two young men in their mid twenties are out driving in the country when the first man says, "See that big oak tree in the feild down there... on a warm sunny day that's where I lost my virginity. Not only that, but her mother was in the field watching us." The second man was a little shocked to hear this and asked the first man, "Did her mother say anything while they were making love?"
The first man replied, "Yeah... she went Baaaa..."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 2:29am
In Iraq a man named Abdul is at a camel dealer looking to buy a camel to take across the desert. Abdul inquires if the dealer has a camel that will travel 100 miles without any water. The camel dealer replies of course.... no problem.
So Abdul purchases the camel and he travels 75 miles and the camel drops dead.
Abdul is irate and manages to hitch a ride back to Iraq to the camel dealer.
Abdul tells the dealer how the camel died after only traveling 75 miles.
The camel dealer asks Adbul, "Did you brick him?" Abdul replies, "I don't understand what you mean by brick him." The dealer retorts, "Before you leave for your trip while the camel is drinking water you sneak up behind him with a brick in each hand and smash his n*ts with the bricks. That's how he gets that extra water to make it the last 25 miles."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 2:37am
John had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No mattter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him, "John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last, and your single. Let it go...."
But inevitably the other voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
"John, you're a veterinarian..."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 2:43am
An old couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.

"Mary...Mary..."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"Whats it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex.
I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 2:46am
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in the third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 2:50am
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the best form of birth control after fifty?
Nudity.

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 2:59am
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stop in at the local Saloon for a drink. Soon after a man walks in and says, "Who owns that white horse out front?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I do." The man tells the Lone Ranger his horse is overheated and he needs to be looked after. So the Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside and they see Silver has water, but he is sweating badly. The Lone Ranger has an idea and asks Tonto to run around Silver in circles to create a breeze to help cool him off.
Tonto replies, "Yes, Keemosabe." So the Lone Ranger walks back into the saloon and continues to finish his drink. Not long after another man bursts into the saloon and and says,"Who owns that white horse out front?" The Lone Ranger replies, I do, why?" The man says, "You left your Injun runnin."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 3:09am
CHINESE PROVERBS

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to it.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 3:17am
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good p. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90 year old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long p. At 6:30 am I have a great bowel movemnet. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 3:24am
The teacher asks the question, "If 3 crows are sitting on a fence and you shoot one how many crows are left?" Litte Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on him. Johnny replies, "Teacher there wouldn't be any crows left because the noise would scare the other 2 away." The teacher says, "That's not the answer I'm looking for, but I like the way you think." So little Johnny asks the teacher a question. "Teacher if you have 3 women coming out of an ice cream shop and the first woman is licking an ice cream cone, the second woman is sucking an ice cream cone, and the third one is biting an ice cream cone... which one is married?" The teacher replied, "The one sucking the ice cream cone." Little Johnny replied, "No teacher it's the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 3:31am
An 85 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he is feeling. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child... "What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a lake and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raise up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM!!! The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver. "The doctor say, "My point exactly."

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 3:51am
In the days of the Wild West there was a young cowboy who dreamed of being the fast gunfighter in the world. He practiced all the time day and night. But, he still knew he wasn't yet first-rate and there was something he was doing wrong.
While sitting in the local Saloon on a Saturday night he recognized an old-timer who was quite a gunslinger in his day. He bought the old man a beer and asked him for some advice. The old man looked him up and down and said, "For one thing you're wearing your gun belt too high. Tie your holster a little lower on your leg." "will that make me a better gun fighter?" asked the young cowbow. "Sure will," replied the old man. So the cowboy lowered his holster and whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific," said the cowboy. Any other tips you can give me?" The old-timer said, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it and you will get a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the cowboy. "You bet," replied the old-timer. The cowboy cut out the notch, drew his gun in a blurr and shot the cuff link off the piano player. "Wow, this is amazing" said the cowboy.
"Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can of axle grease in the corner of the saloon and told the cowboy to coat his gun with it. The cowboy went over and smeared the axle grease on the barrel of the gun. The old-timer yelled out, "No, smear it all over the gun handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" replied the cowboy. "No," said the old-timer, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your a*s and it won't hurt as much.

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 3:59am
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and she takes him up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
He asks, "How am I doing?

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
Three Knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?' She says,
"you're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 3:17am
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good p. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90 year old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long p. At 6:30 am I have a great bowel movemnet. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."
daffydoug
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Quote:
On 2005-11-11 02:14, Mr Mike wrote:
Two young men in their mid twenties are out driving in the country when the first man says, "See that big oak tree in the feild down there... on a warm sunny day that's where I lost my virginity. Not only that, but her mother was in the field watching us." The second man was a little shocked to hear this and asked the first man, "Did her mother say anything while they were making love?"
The first man replied, "Yeah... she went Baaaa..."


Ha ha ha ha !! That's a keeper!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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More dumb inventions:

* Solar-Powered Flashlight.
* Sugar-Coated Toothpaste
* Super-glue Post-it Notes
...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
pkg
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The City of Ithobaal I son of Hiram I
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Quote:
On 2005-11-10 18:43, daffydoug wrote:
Quote:
On 2005-11-08 22:36, Bill Ligon wrote:
"Two ladies :
- oh boy, my husband got me flowers, will have to have my legs up in the air all day long!!
- why? don't you have a vase?"

Hahahaha! The image that that conjures up is hilarious!



I have told this one at work today a dozen times, and everyone thought it was hilarious! Thanks! That one's a keeper!


my pleasure, didn't think it will have the same impact, did a literal translation! LOL


Captain on a boat gathers everybody around for an emergency meeting...
C : " I have some good news, and bad news, what do you want me to start with?"
Passangers :" the good news!"
C : " we are going to win 7 oscars..."
Double posters should be shot!

No really!!
daffydoug
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A sailor walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices that this is a pretty well built guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead. After serving the sailor a couple of drinks, curiosity finally gets the best of the bartender and he asks the sailor why he had a normal sized body with such a tiny head. The sailor tells him this story: "I was involved in a naval battle where I was the only survivor. I was stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean for months, when I happened across a mermaid while I was walking on the beach." She was on the beach and couldn't get back in the water so I helped her get back to the ocean, she was so grateful she granted me three wishes. I first asked to be rescued off that god forsaken island. She told me that it was no problem, that the rescue ship was on the way, and that I still had two more wishes."

"Next I asked for a never ending roll of twenty dollar bills." Then the sailor reached into his pocket and kept pulling out 20s and putting them on the bar. "Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this island for quite some time without a woman and I'm quite horny, She said "as you can see from the waist down I'm a fish so I'm sorry but I can't help you there." "Well I thought about it for a minute and said OK, how about a little head?
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
pkg
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Michael Jackson in the hospital checking out his newly born : "AAAAAAH THE BABY'S BLACK!!!!! ooooh but it's a boy!"

:P

Posted: Nov 11, 2005 6:41pm
Doc, everytime I say "abracadabra" people disappear! doc? doc?!? where are u?!

it says CORNY!
Double posters should be shot!

No really!!
Bill Ligon
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Quote:
On 2005-11-11 02:29, Mr Mike wrote:
In Iraq a man named Abdul is at a camel dealer looking to buy a camel to take across the desert. Abdul inquires if the dealer has a camel that will travel 100 miles without any water. The camel dealer replies of course.... no problem.
So Abdul purchases the camel and he travels 75 miles and the camel drops dead.
Abdul is irate and manages to hitch a ride back to Iraq to the camel dealer.
Abdul tells the dealer how the camel died after only traveling 75 miles.
The camel dealer asks Adbul, "Did you brick him?" Abdul replies, "I don't understand what you mean by brick him." The dealer retorts, "Before you leave for your trip while the camel is drinking water you sneak up behind him with a brick in each hand and smash his n*ts with the bricks. That's how he gets that extra water to make it the last 25 miles."

Then Abdul asks, "Yes, but doesn't that hurt?"
The camel dealer says, "No. You just keep your thumbs out of the way."

Posted: Nov 12, 2005 12:42am
The circus comes to town and George happens to see a sign that says, "$500 to anyone who can make the elephant stand on its front legs. Only $5.00 to try."

George pays his five dollars and on his way in he picks up two large rocks. He walks behind the elephant and slams the rocks together on the elephant's ***s. Immediately the elephant lets out a huge bellow and stands up on his front legs. George collects his $500 and goes home.

Ten years later the circus comes back to town, and again George goes to the circus. He finds a booth with a sign, "$500 to anyone who can make the elephant nod yes and no. Only $5.00 to try."

George pays and goes inside to the elephant. He walks up to the elephant and says, "Hey, elephant, do you remember Me?" The elephant nods his head up and down, "yes." George then says, "Ok, elephant, do you want me to do it again?" The elephant solemnly shakes his head "no."
Professor L, Purveyor of Mysteries

Posted: Nov 12, 2005 12:43am
Yes, it does say "CORNY."

Posted: Nov 12, 2005 12:49am
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

____________________

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive.
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
Mike Brezler
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The teacher asks the children to use a sentence with the word "definitely" in it.
Little Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him. "The sky is definitely blue," says Billy. The teacher says, "No that's not correct because when the sun goes down the sky turns orange." Suzie raises her hand and the teacher calls on her. "I know teacher... trees are definitely green." The teacher replies, "No Suzie because in the fall the leaves turn brown." In the back little Johnny is waving his hand to be called on. The teacher asks Johnny to give his answer, but Johnny replies with the question, "Teacher do farts have lumps?" A little shocked the teachers says, "Of course not!" So little Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely messed my pants!"
daffydoug
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Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "%#@$#
OFF!", the dog ate him!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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They just fired a Pepsi employee.....He checked positive for Coke....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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Quote:
On 2005-11-12 07:18, daffydoug wrote:
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "%#@$#
OFF!", the dog ate him!"


Sick, Daffydoug, sick. But funny!
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
joseph
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A man at the doctors:
-Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won’t go away!
-Did you try using a lemon?
-Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again! ......
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
The Mirror Images
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The First to finish WINS!!

http://kelabsenang.com/power/images/zoom......tar2.jpg

Michael
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