What a hotel I was staying at! The towels were so big and fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase!

When people ask me if I have spare change I tell them its at home in my spare wallet.

My uncle invented the burgular alarm-which unfortunately was stolen from him....

Hahahahahah!

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, peddling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.... I'll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!....Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell warmed over! What the devil happened to you?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "My god, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?

Teacher: How many feet in a yard?
Student: However many are standing in it.....

'nother good one! LOL!

Little Mary: Let's play house.
Little Joey: No way!
Little Mary: Why not?
Little Joey: Because last time we played, I had to take out your garbage, mow your lawn and take you brother to the dentist!


Saul: I think my new dog is Jewish.
Muhammad: Why do you think that?
Saul: When I say "fetch," he'd rather kvetch.


Little Missi: Mrs. Treemont, can I have two pieces of cake?
Mrs. Treemont: Sure. Just take this piece and cut it in two.

What's the square root of sixty nine, eight something.

Heres a good one, its probably already said, but heck, Im not reading 50 plus pages! If someone is on the phone while you are doing a show pick up the phone and say "hello?" hello. whos this? "Im a magcian and you are interuppting my show, hey, Ive got a question for you, What has a ball and hangs down?" I don't know. "a teherball post, what has big balls and hangs up?" I don't know. "ME!!!!" then hang up. This always gets a laugh, but don't be too rude, use it in your own style.

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death
of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.
Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately
8:42PM last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and
going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and
relatives, was alone at the time of his death.
An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical
Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was
acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards,
and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....

Posted: Nov 16, 2005 10:19pm
A man went to his dentist because he feels something
wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,
"that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is
eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all
I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made
some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put
it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is
highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make
you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why
chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies,
"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like
chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Posted: Nov 17, 2005 5:38am
John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party
about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home.
On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a
good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport!"

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?...

Ha, that is soooo true! Is this just a joke page, or is it for come backs for an audience? I loved that energizer bunny one!!!!

It's just for jokes. I believe there is another thread dedicated to come backs, though.

Posted: Nov 18, 2005 6:13am
Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

"I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder."....

Hahahah, I like that one! Not sure I get the foreplay one tho...

Men are faster than women...

Yeah...you know..we are like light bulbs and women are like microwave ovens....or so I have heard.

Posted: Nov 18, 2005 9:21pm
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime? .....

What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?

Throw in a load of laundry.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
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Calculus: A weapon of math destruction. ...

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm ****s and a tight ****.

What's your wife look like?"

Posted: Nov 19, 2005 8:14am
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

Posted: Nov 19, 2005 9:26am
On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!