Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 50 cents.
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Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ...

A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful every day at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked how it went.

"Look," said George, "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend. I don't even know him!"

Posted: Nov 19, 2005 4:25pm
A kid says to his dad, "Dad, if you give me a dollar, I'll tell you what mom said to the milkman this morning."

The father quickly handed his son a dollar.

The boy said, "Just leave one quart this morning, Sam."

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that? ....

This is my opening announcement
This was just handed to me (read from paper), brother Chuck was not able to attend tonights banquet, because he is 111, (adjust glasses) no wait a minute Chuck is Ill (budda boom). Once again my dear friend Joseph has given me two more keepers, so I felt obligated to recyciprocate. This one not only brings down the house, but it is the perfect opener.
Al

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? THE TASTE!

Posted: Nov 19, 2005 6:09pm
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!" the grasshopper says "you have a drink named steve??"

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 50 cents.

Splendid idea! I might just try that!

Posted: Nov 19, 2005 7:53pm
Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ?
A. Slow natives.

Posted: Nov 19, 2005 8:10pm
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Q: What did the Zero say to the Eight?

A: Nice belt.

Luckily for red headed girls, men call them "feisty." If they were a blonde or a brunette, They'd just be b**chy.
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I see where President Bush is pressing for a total ban on cloning. Hmmm... I wonder *which* President Bush?
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I'll bet the few first cavemen to discover fire all died when they tried to impress their cavewomen by wearing it as bling.
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Now that I'm a dad, I love playing silly games with my daughter. Like "I spy, with my little eye... something I want you to slip into your Britney Spears backpack while I distract the clerk."


Lyndel

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
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A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore. ......

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50
that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said, "No bet. The steaks are too high."

Well, I was going to rob the Outback restaurant, so first I went in and steaked
the place out....

She said, "Kiss me doctor!"

Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics
standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients,
in fact, I really shouldn't be ****** you either."

Actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud:
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde ....

A guy calls a law office and says, "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

First Cop: TOday I saw a bus driver head down Main Street and go right past a stop sign. Then he turned left, right by the "No Left Turn" sidn, and then he went the wrong way on a on-way street. Then he passed my patrol car on the right side!
Second cop: My goodness! How man tickets did you give him?
First Cop: None.
Second Cop: What! Why not?
First Cop: Because he was walking.


Max: Maiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Then why aren't you laughing?


Hector: What's the difference between a new girlfriend and a new dog?
Miguel: After a week, the dog is still excited to see you.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough....

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword
puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and
said,
"What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?
The bishop said,
"Did you try "aunt"?
The Pope said,
"Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"

Posted: Nov 22, 2005 5:42am
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband
was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and
started to , uh, "help her self".
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're
finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

Comment: AVERAGE
Really Means: Not too bright.
Comment: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Really Means: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Comment: ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Really Means: Drinks heavily.
Comment: QUICK THINKING
Really Means: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

He said "You're going to die."

Posted: Nov 22, 2005 8:31pm
How do you make love to a fat girl?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit. That was pretty gross Doug. Funny...but GROSS!! UGGGHHHHH.

Posted: Nov 22, 2005 9:21pm
A blonde walks into a sporting goods store and notices a thermos sitting on the shelf. The store keep walks over to her and asks if he can help her. "Yes" she replies, "I am interested in this thing here. What exactly is it and what does it do?" "Well", replied the shopkeep, "that is called a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde takes an interest to this and decided to buy it. The next day at work her boss walks in and notices the thermos sitting on her desk. "That sure is a nice thermos you have there" her boss says. "Thanks" replies the blonde. "You know it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold". "I sure do" her boss replies. "What exactly do you have in there?" To which she replies "Coffee and two popsicles."