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daffydoug
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A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having
a little chat. "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin.
"I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled a
muscle and it's killing me."
"That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though."
"Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car trunk shut. ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
LostSoul
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Dave
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First Comic: Where do you get your material?
Second Comic: I write all my own jokes!
First Comic: You're older than you look.

(Like a lot of the jokes around here!)
daffydoug
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What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?

Fake an orgasm.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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Quote:
On 2005-11-23 18:10, daffydoug wrote:
What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?

Fake an orgasm.


Hahahahahaha! That one cracked me up!
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
daffydoug
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The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with
her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be
when they grew up.
A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they
revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped,
"What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet
Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
Bill Ligon
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During a visit to a mental institution, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug out.

Do you want a room with or without a view?" Smile

Posted: Nov 23, 2005 10:50pm
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him,"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Saturday arrangements have been made for the husband's funeral.
Professor L, Purveyor of Mysteries
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
Lyndel
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wrote the theme to the TV show COPS!
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Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Why can't you take a turkey to church? Because they use such FOWL language

What are the small feathers on a turkey's wings called? Turkey feathers

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Lyndel
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daffydoug
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail
all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto
placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
LostSoul
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Dave
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Quote:
On 2005-11-23 22:50, Bill Ligon wrote:
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him,"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Saturday arrangements have been made for the husband's funeral.


Now that's really funny!
joseph
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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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"Dear Dad: No mon, no fun,
Your Son."

"Dear son: Too bad, so sad,
Your Dad."
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
joseph
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Did you hear that McDonald's is buying the Civic Arena?
They're going to call it the Macarena....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Quote:
On 2005-11-24 10:48, joseph wrote:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad ....



That one is a keeper! Subliminals, eh?

Posted: Nov 24, 2005 1:54pm
Phone answering machine message:

"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

Posted: Nov 25, 2005 8:07am
The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and
their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name
is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.

The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered
her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his
enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
LostSoul
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Maurice was placed against a wall and found himself facing a firing squad. The mean-looking captain of the firing squad asked him, "Do you any last requests before I have you shot?"

"Yes," said Maurice, "I'd like to sing one final song."

"Go ahead," growled the annoyed captain.

Maurice cleared his throat and began, "One million bottles of beer on the wall, one million bottles of beer..."
squando
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Did you hear about the organization D.A.M.?
-No
Its Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Frank
joseph
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You know you are addicted to coffee if...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails. ....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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This practical joke is hearsay. A fellow student some years ago
related the following. Apparently another student was a bit of
a braggar. His favourite topic was his car, and one sub-topic
was the terrific gas milage (pre-metric) it got.

So it began one evening. Fill up a one-gallon container of gas
each night and pour it into the victim's gas tank. Wait for the
story each day to get better and better. Repeat until it cannot
be taken any more. I believe 2 weeks was sufficient.

Finally the moment (days) of truth. Each night for 2 weeks,
the effect was reversed, and one gallon of gas was REMOVED from
the victim's tank. It was amazingly effective at reducing some
of the stories. I suspect the truth was never revealed to the victim.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
nucinud
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Quote:
On 2005-11-25 12:14, daffydoug wrote:
This practical joke is hearsay. A fellow student some years ago
related the following. Apparently another student was a bit of
a braggar. His favourite topic was his car, and one sub-topic
was the terrific gas milage (pre-metric) it got.

So it began one evening. Fill up a one-gallon container of gas
each night and pour it into the victim's gas tank. Wait for the
story each day to get better and better. Repeat until it cannot
be taken any more. I believe 2 weeks was sufficient.

Finally the moment (days) of truth. Each night for 2 weeks,
the effect was reversed, and one gallon of gas was REMOVED from
the victim's tank. It was amazingly effective at reducing some
of the stories. I suspect the truth was never revealed to the victim.

This an old story told by Allan King or Buddy Hackett back in the 60's on the Ed Sullivan Show. They claimed to have done this to their neighbor who was bragging about the gas mileage of their Volkswagen.
"We are what we pretend to be" Kurt Vonnegut, jr.



Now U C It Now U Don't

Harry Mandel

www.mandelmagic.com
daffydoug
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What do you call a man that marries another man?

A minister

Posted: Nov 26, 2005 8:27am
The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there
came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away
at once, eyes wide with alarm.
"Heavens," she cried, "It's my HUSBAND! Quick, jump out the window."
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,
then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor."
"For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation,
"This is no time to be superstitious!!"

Posted: Nov 26, 2005 9:32am
Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

Posted: Nov 27, 2005 7:52am
What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater?

- "that's the most violent book I've ever read."

Posted: Nov 27, 2005 4:16pm
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A
neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just
right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine
until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure
the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Posted: Nov 28, 2005 6:55pm
"Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today,
and I missed on the very first word."

"That's too bad Son." consoled the Father,
"What was the word ?"

"Posse.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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