George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish, the bald man who had cleaned him out.

As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's arse."

Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right. It does!"

Posted: Jan 11, 2006 5:23pm
A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L."

The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!"

Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette says, "I'll have a B.L."

With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud Lite,right?"

The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!"

Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink. The blonde says, "I'll have a 15."

The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?"

The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7!"

Posted: Jan 11, 2006 5:26pm
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"

Woman at the cashier : please can you check me out fast I m in a hurry!
guy looks at her from head to toes and goes : nice t**s

:P

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
Feel the World
Volume 1
Side One

1. Reach out and TOUCH Someone
2. Hey, there, Predator
3. Touch Me Once, Touch Me Twice, Touch Me Once Again
4. Feelings
5. He TOUCHED Me

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie", says Grandma. "If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!"


Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her *****, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling, insisting that all his friends refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd!"

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.....

A blind man walks into the 7-11 with his seeing eye dog. He walks to the middle of the store, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the dog around his head in a circle. The dog is howling like crazy at this point.
The manager runs over and asks, "What are you doing?"
The blind man answers, "I'm just looking around."

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I think I'm shrinking."
The doctor answers, "You'll just have to be a little patient."

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm....

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.

But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."

"They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

Posted: Jan 16, 2006 10:25am
In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"

Posted: Jan 16, 2006 8:57pm
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.....

A woman goes to her doctor and says that she wants an operation because her v****** lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says. "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" asked the woman.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

A wino finds an old bottle while walking on the beach. He picks it up, and as he's rubbing the sand off of it, a genie pops out. "Well," said the genie, "since you let me out of here, it is my job to grant you three wishes. What would you like for your first wish?" The man thought for a few minutes, and then looked at the genie and said, "I'd like a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry." POOF! A bottle of whiskey appeared in the man's hand. He took several large swigs, and the bottle remained full. "Wow," said the man, "that's really neat! I'll take two more! ...

A man walked into a bar and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.

The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll s***w anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"

"No kidding?" said the man, "I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Posted: Jan 18, 2006 5:06pm
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, " Oh,thanks a lot lady, you just broke my *****ing cookies!"

Posted: Jan 18, 2006 5:08pm
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat!"

Sometime before WWII, one of the mules used pull an artillery piece died, and the sergeant "volunteered" two privates to bury the mule. Loudly he told them, "Get over there and dig a hole to bury that jackass!"

The soldiers went to work, sweating heavily while they dug the grave for the animal. As they were digging, a girl walked by and said to them, "Hey, are you guys digging a fox hole?"

One of the soldiers replied, "No, ma'am, we're digging an...."

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some Chapstick. The pharmacist says, "That will be $2. Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill." ...

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Posted: Jan 19, 2006 6:37pm
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an ***hole.

This has to be the all time, number 1 thread!!

Glad you're enjoying it!

Posted: Jan 19, 2006 11:18pm
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

Posted: Jan 19, 2006 11:21pm
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything!!!".

Posted: Jan 20, 2006 6:08am
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

What do you get when you bake onions and beans together? Tear gas.

Why are lawyers buried 8 feet down instead of 6 feet like everyone else?
Deep down, they're really nice guys.
...

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

"Don't stop," said the Texan.