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kOnO
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THINGS I'V NEVER HEAR THEM SAY DOWN SOUTH.


 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
 28. Duct tape can't fix that.
 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
 26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
 25. You can't feed that to the dog.
 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
 23. Wrestling is fake
 22. We're vegetarians.
 21. Do you think my gut is too big?
 20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
 19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
 18. Who gives a *** who won the Civil War?
 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
 14. Trim the fat off that steak.
 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
 12. The tires on that truck are too big.
 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
 09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
 08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
 07. Checkmate
 06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
 05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
 04. I don't have a favorite college team.
 03. You Guys.
 02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.


 AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!
It is a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
joseph
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Funny ones ........so .....

How about.....

No thanks, I don't smoke.....
You can't leave that car jacked up in the driveway!..... Smile ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Those are pretty hilarious!

Posted: Jan 27, 2006 6:45pm
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mothe
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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An eight-year old is talking to his dad and asks him, "Dad - if you hit the lottery, what would you do?" Dad replies, "Ah yes, Paris, champagne, many beautiful women." "And what if you don't hit the lottery?" "Football, beer, and your mom!" ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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After completing his electrical apprenticeship, a young First Nations fellow returns to his reservation with a desire to use his new skills to do something nice for his people. At the entrance to the reservation, there is a massive log arch topped at the center with a huge moose skull and antlers. Our friend gazes up at this and says aloud, "I'm gonna run some colored Christmas lights up there." So he does this - and becomes the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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"first Indian to wire a head for a reservation"

My kind of pun, Joseph! I love it!

Bill
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
daffydoug
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Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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A man is driving along a freeway until he sees a lone indian. The man picks up the indian and they both drive in awkward silence. The indian sees a bag on the floor and asks, "What is that?" The man says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The indian replies, "Good trade." ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when the train hit them.

Posted: Jan 30, 2006 6:52am
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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How many ADD sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb? Look! A blue car!...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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A drummer walks into a music store and decides to play another instrument. He walks up to the cashier and says, "I would like to buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "Oh, you must be a percussionist!" "How do you know?" "Because that's the radiator!"...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya!"

Posted: Jan 30, 2006 7:55pm
An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says "Sam, what's different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!"

Bessie replies " Well maybe you should have bought a hat!."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Important Things To Learn
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. .....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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It's been a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose and escalators continued their decline. Switches were off, mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Posted: Feb 2, 2006 5:55am
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"

"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
Word of the day- Hebitate:To grow Dull and stupid
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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An Italian named Uncle Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Italian father, Uncle Vito, takes a slow swig from his scotch on the rocks, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "We had his hair cut!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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