I'm only 19 pages into reading these, so if this has already been posted I apologize.

A deffinition of Politics:
Poly from the Latin meaning many.
Tics, meaning blood sucking creatures.

Tim

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.....

She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still.

Two men were walking on the railroad tracks. One says to the other, "This is the longest stairway I've ever seen!" The other guy says, "Yeah, and these low handrails are killing my back."

I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

A guy escapes from prison and goes home. His wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"...

Happy Easter. I found these on our message board. Can't get more corny.



Q: What is a dog's favorite Easter treat?
A: Jelly bones!

Q: What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes hippity-BOOM hippity-BOOM?
A: The Easter Elephant.

Q: How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
A: By hare mail!

Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
A: You need an eggsplanation!

Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare dryer!

Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Michael Jordan?
A: They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

Q: What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?
A: Colored scrambled eggs!

Q: Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens?
A: He wanted them to lay colored eggs!

Q: What did one colored egg say to the other?
A: 'Heard any good yolks lately!'

Q: What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
A: The Easter Barney!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
A: He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!

Q: Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea?
A: The Oyster Bunny!

Q: What will the Easter Bunny be doing after Easter?
A: One to three for breaking and entering.

Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!

Q: Did you hear the one about the fifty-pound jelly bean?
A: It's pretty hard to swallow!

Q: Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee?
A: It's a tender tail!

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year
to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in
Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my
son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel,
and he also came home a Christian.. Perhaps we should go see the
rabbi. "

So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi.. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our
young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.
As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel...."

He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell.

There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!

What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm....

Who's the poorest man in Kentucky?

The dentist.......

What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?"

Two guys went fishing, and found an excellent spot. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. The other guy says, "You're stupid. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?"

There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. He was arrested for rustling.
...

I think I am spending too much time at the computer. Earlier today I was practicing in front of a mirror and I caught myself checking the lower right corner of the mirror to see what time it was.

A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."

I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!"

A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man, "Paint my porch out back, and I'll give you $100". Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, "I'm all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes."

There is a sale in the men's department. All pants are half off....

*raises hand*...guilty.

What did Stevie Wonder say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the most violent book I have ever read!"

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"......

There was this lady named Betsy Butler..she wanted to give her husband a very special gift, so she goes to a tatoo parlour and is going to have her name tatooed on her butt. One name on each cheek!

She asked the man how much it would cost, and he informed her that for a special job like that, the price would be double. Very expensive.

Undaunted , she had another idea, and asked if he could just put a B on one cheek, and a B on the othe cheek. He agreed at a much cheaper price, so she let him do it.

Well, she goes home, and says to her husband, "Honey I have a wonderful surprise for you! Then she bends over and spreads 'em.

The husband's face gets real red and he yells "Who the hell is BoB??"

A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."

The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall...
Posted: Apr 30, 2006 7:40am

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."...

Drink: Mix orange juice, vodka and a Milk of Magnesia - called a Phillips Screwdriver

Drink: Mix tequila, prune juice and a touch of asphalt - called a Mexican Roadrunner

Drink: Vodka, tomato juice and cherry Jell-O - called a Blood Clot

Lee Darrow, C.H.

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.....

Switch the 10% & 90% and it's funnier.

Not funnier to those poor men...

A will is a dead giveaway...
...
Posted: May 19, 2006 8:12pm

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I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it...

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story? Old men STILL can think fast.