Did you hear about the dyslexic golfer?


Every time he teed off he would yell FIVE!

"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?"

"If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?"
...

Two muffins were being baked in an oven. One looks as the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one says, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

Posted: Aug 8, 2007 12:33pm
How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her as an altar boy.

Posted: Aug 8, 2007 12:35pm
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. (get it? No "I"s?)

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. ..

Anybody know the difference between a magicians wand and a bobby's night-stick?

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend
and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in
the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when
we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see
stars, too." ...

I gave her a gift that keeps on giving-a pregnant cat!

You walk by a nerd and you see him putting ice cubes up his nose,... so you ask why he's doing that.

He answers, "I'm keeping my lunch cold."..

I don't have much time to post jokes today. I have to take my brother to the emergency room. He found a bottle of Viagra and he swallowed a pill. The thing got stuck in his throat and now he's complaining of a stiff neck...

Why were the Indians here first in America?
They had Reservations....

Sad news, My Doctor went out of business. He had no patience.

Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Ole outside the Jewelry Store. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
Vhat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.
Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "It's my Lena's birthday
tomorrow And vhen I asked her this morning vhat she vanted for her birthday, Lena said, “Oh, I dun know, dear, yust give me something with vots of diamonds.
"So vhat did you get her?" Ole asks.
Sven smirks and says, "I bought her a deck of cards." ...

Did you hear about the drunk guy who put money in the parking meter? He thought he weighed 1 hour...

Foreign languages with one changed letter:

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French Motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish
...

What did the roof say to the hurricane?....One more blow from you and I'm off!

Where do you put your dog when you go shopping?
In the barking lot....

The Answer to the Last Question. was Mickey Mouse a Cat or a Dog ?

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!
Now that is funny!....

Your breath is so bad, when you talk, your teeth duck...

You have a face like a million dollars.
All green and wrinkled! ...

Baby Polar Bear: Dad, am I a Polar Bear?
Dad: Yes, If you don't believe me, ask your mother.
Baby: Mom, am I a Polar Bear?
Mom: Yes, of course you're a Polar Bear. I'm a full Polar Bear and your dad is a full Polar Bear. Why are you asking?
Baby: Because I'm frrrreeeezzzzing!