Did you all hear about the magician that couldn't find the spectators signed card,

Nevermind, this joke sucks almost as worse as his show did.

An old man goes to the doctor for his routine checkup. At the end of the examination the doctor says "Everything looks ok, but just keep to these instructions and you should be fine."

A couple of days go by and the doctor runs into the same old man beebopping down the street with a beautiful blonde on his arm and a great big smile on his face.

"Wow!" said the doctor, "you look like you are in great shape! What have you been doing?"

"Well doc", said the old man, "I have done everything you asked me to. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

"That's not what I said", replied the doctor. "I said you have a heart murmer. Be careful!"

Until next time folks!!!

Ok. A man is walking down the sidewalk, when he notices a little boy playing fireman. He has a little red wagon and he's making ding ding sounds. But he also has his dog pulling the wagon, and the man notices that the dog is tied to the wagon on a rope which is tied around the dogs, ahem, ...jewels.

So the man says to the little boy " Say, young man. That's a real fine looking fire truck you got there!" Kid says "Yup.'

The man says, "Is that your dog?"

kid says "Yup."

Man says "I'll tell you what. That dog would probably do a better job of pulling your firetruck if you tied the rope around his chest"

Kid says "Yeah. But then I wouldn't have no siren!"

A man walks into a store and asks the lady "Do you keep stationary?"
She replies "Maybe for a minute or two and then I just go wild!"

Hey Sir Excuse me but did you know that your toupee has a hole in it ( must be said to a bald man with a sense of humor )

A fellow walks into a bar and sits down on the bar stool, then notices a few stools down that there is another fellow drinking, and he has a small wooden box. The man opens up the box, and out jumps a leprachaun. The leprachaun sits down on the box. Then the guy orders a whisky but before he can drink it, the leprachaun jumps up, downs the drink, then runs over to the first guy, SPITS in his face, does a little Irish Jig, then runs back, sits on the box, and lights his little pipe.

The fellow is understandably upset.

Then the guy with the leprachaun orders another whiskey, and the same thing happens all over again: The leprachaun jumps up, downs the whiskey, runs across the bar, spits in the man's face, does a little Irish Jig, runs back, sits on the box, and smokes his little Irish pipe.

Now the first guy is about ready to hit somebody, when, you guessed it! The guy ordrs a whiskey, the leprachaun drinks it, runs across the bar, spits in his face, does his little Irish jig, and is about to run back to the box, when the guy loses it. He grabs the leprachaun, and shouts with a red face "Listen! You do that one more time, and I'll cut off you little pec**r!" The leprachan says "YOu can't do that, because we leprachaun's don't have pec**rs!"

The guy says "No pec**R?" "Then how do you pee?"

The leprachaun replies "By spitting!"

Did you hear the joke about the vacuum cleaner? Oh, forget it. It sucks.

I would tell you the joke about the roof but it is over your head.

If I don't hear the audience groaning loudly I know I'm not doing my job.

I read through most of these and some of the jokes posted are almost funny. I will use them anyway.

Keep up the good work.

- Brian Nadworny
(still wondering if there is a limit to the number of posts for a single thread).

Did you hear about the tap dancer who fell in the sink?

(C'mon... think about it. You'll get it.)

Groan!

Artie Smith goes into a Supermarket and asks for change for a dollar. After the Cashier said no, Artie got so mad he strangled her. He went to the next cashier and asked for change for a dollar. The Cashier said she can't open the draw without a purchase. So he strangled her. He goes up to the next cashier and gets no where with her and he strangles her too. The Cops finally come and apprehend Artie. The Next day the Headline in the Newspaper read "ARTIE CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR"

Why did the Turtle cross the road?

He was looking for a Shell Station.

Try this: Get an empty gas can and thouroghly rinse it out. Then fill it with water, punch a pinhole in the bottom so that it slowly leaks....then walk down the street with it under your arm leaking behind you, while smoking the biggest cigar you can find

Call a tobacco store and say "HI, this is Prince Albert, were there any calls for me while I was in the can?"

Buy one of those inflatable sex dolls, fill it with helium, then set it loose on a windy day, and run after it shouting "Come back here you tramp!"

A drunk orders 12 shots of expensive whiskey, and slugs them down in 1 minute.
Bartender says, "Why did you do that?"
Drunk says, "You would too, if you had my problem."
Bartender says, "And what is that?"
Drunk says, "I only have 50 cents." ............

There once was a Magician from Nantucket. who once had a Bucket full of Wands. he took one out and waved it around. and wondered where the others went to

A proud father was showing a fellow worker a picture of his five grown sons. His friend asked what they did for a living. The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers. The friend asked about the middle son and the father said, "Oh, he's a plumber. Someone had to pay for all the others educations."

That's hilarious!

Yeah . . like that one.

Le'me see, now. Got the cigar. Get an empty water can and fill it with gas . .

Has Anyone Tryed it Yet. B

Wow! That was some cigar!!!

Talk about Day Light

Ha Ha ha ha Ha!! Gotta try that one!

Revenge on some one: Get some OLD textbooks at a garage sale, or whatever.

Now print up some stickers that say "If found, please return this book to (insert the person's name and address you wish to get even with here) I need this book for a thesis I am writing. $100.00 REWARD! Put these stickers in some conspicuous place on each of the books.

Now make sure you geta BUNCH of these books, and plant them EVERYWHERE in public that you think people will accidentally find them. (In shopping malls, in phone booths, etc.)

Now just sit back and wait for the fun to begin as your target goes NUTS with people knocking on his door looking for their $100.00 reward!

Ahh, yes! The Dougman strikes again. I still got it!