I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

A man walked into a bar and the person following him avoided it.

A sandwich walked into a bar and the barman says sorry we don't serve food.

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar ... (Hey, it COULD happen!)

There were these two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff....nah I get ingrown armpit when I tell those. Hmmm, well I read a bit over 40 pages of this thread before I gave up, so if this one has been posted before, tough, here it is Again!

There was this bus that ran every day up and down Sesame Street. At the first stop it picked up two girls named Patricia. Now both of these young ladies were a bit on the voluptous side and a tad on the plump side.

At the next stop it picked up a young man who was intellectually challenged named
Ross. Now Ross was a nice guy, he could take care of himself and get around, was very friendly, just did not have a very high I.Q. so everyone called him "Special Ross".

At the next stop the bus picked up a man named Lester Peace. Now Lester was an OK guy except for one weird quirk. He had bunions on his feet and he was always picking them.

So what do we have..... (don't throw things)

We got:
Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Peace picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus.

(Hey, nobody said we couldn't tell McDonald's corny jokes!)

Speaking of bar jokes:

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. One afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town! Run for your lives!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer now!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, nearly splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town. Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin?"

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

Ooooooo.... My ears a bleeding after that one

Anyhooo...

2 sheep standing in a field. The first one says "Baaaaaa." The other says "Crap, I was gonna say that..."

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chips And Salsa: Chips =3D hardware, salsa =3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.....

Did you hear about the drum and cymbals that's fell off the cliff?
Ba-Boom Cha! (Or whatever a rim-shot sounds like. Enjoy! :-D

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur!..

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.....

King Arthur summoned Sir Lancelot to the throne room.
"Sir Lancelot I have a mission for you. Get your mount and be ready to ride out at dawn."
"My Lord" Said Lancelot, "There is not a horse in the stable. But there is your royal hunting dog. A great dane. I shall saddle the great dane and ride out at dawn."
"Never mind. I wouldn't send a Knight out on a Dog like this."

I can hear the groans of agony. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, I almost hate to admit this but since I LIKE jokes so much, I read through ALL 70 pages here over the past couple weeks!!

I've noticed several that are repeated, some that are "okay"...and some that are great!! I joted(?) down the basic "ideas" from the ones I liked and have a "few pages" of the best ones that I might use.

One thing...I have several I like (and some I've made up over the years) that were not on here so far...so I'll post these now and into the future...HOPE you (or sombody) likes 'em!!

A couple for now:

*whenever I get change back from something I bought...I always look for a nichol and a penny and say "hey..I can see dead people now!!..I have six cents!"

*the wife and me are "larger people" (I'll say!) and when we leave a resturaunt I always look at the people waiting and say "the food in here's great! We were average size when we went in"

I use these all the time! More later!

A red ship collided with a blue ship, out on the ocean... now they're marooned.

Posted: Apr 9, 2008 3:12pm
The next joke is beneath me.

My uncle once had a dog named cigarette...everyday he took him out for a drag...

A Viking ship is rowing it's way across the sea, thanks to the 60 guys at the oars.
The guy in charge of them says "okay...I have good news and bad news...the good news is we have a calm sea so rowing isn't bad today"

"The bad news...the captain wants to go water sking again"

(does "sking" have two "i's"?)


"I saw the new 4 video set on the Elmsley Count...well actually I saw the first one twice, then the second and forth one...never did see the third one yet"


"Two things a woman should never do in the bedroom...point and laugh"


"The title of a movie I'd love to see..."Tarzan Goes To A Hobo Jungle"

That elmsly count joke is hillarious! That's a great one for the next time I go to the magic shop.

I realized later that I left out the part about the dog having no legs! D'oh!

What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa. ..