What do sharks eat for breakfast?

Anything they want to!

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs!

Giraffiti: Vandalisim spray-painted very, very high....

How did the hamburger propose to the french fry?
With an onion ring....

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? ..

What color is a burp?

Burple, of course!

What did one magician say to another?
Who was that girl I sawed you with last night? ...

Ha ha ha ha ha!!


Why was the clock scratching himself?

Because he had ticks.

Headline:
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!...

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
be confronted by his
teacher.
Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't **** around at these crematoriums you
know!

What would you get if you crossed a bat with a magician?
A flying sorcerer. ..

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Posted: Apr 17, 2008 7:02pm
What does the little computer call it's dad?
Data

Waiter, waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago...

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the p**sy!

*My back's been "out" all week (no joke)...had this off 'n on for years. I remember I went to a Dr. about 20 years ago for the same thing and told him that when I try and lift my legs "it HURTS to do this"

He smiled and said "don't do that!" (I like corny jokes in real life)


*Some business names I'd like to see in real life (made these up years ago):

A used car lot called "Boris' Karlott"

The "Nikita Krustchov Funeral Home"...of course their moto is "We Will Bury You"


*What do you call 2000lbs of bones?? One "skele-ton"

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff,
"Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"
"Course not," replied the Sheriff.
"We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you." ...

That was mean!!!



A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

What did the Eskimo children sing when their principal was leaving?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow. ..