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FrankBenning
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There was a very poor village back in the old times that was so poor all the houses were made of mud and grass.

The only thing of value was the king's throne which was solid gold and left over from when they could afford a king.

They knew the Vikings were coming to raid so they hide the throne in the roof area of one of the houses. The Vikings came and when they didn't find anything of value, left.

The people were so over joyed that they decided to leave the throne in the roof/attic so it'd be safe in the future also.

Sometime later the weight of the throne caused it to fall through to the lower part of the house where it was hidden...killing the guy that lived there.

This proves that people that live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Neznarf
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Kids and Teachers

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

__________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

__________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
FrankBenning
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A kid was walking down the road dragging a chain.

A guy yells..."hey kid, why you dragging that chain!!??"

He yells back..."you ever tried pushing one of these things!?".

Posted: Apr 22, 2008 3:14pm
Okay...another one I heard from a good guy that's now deceased..

A guy is in the woods and suddenly he hears something behind him...it's a BIG bear!! before he can run it has it's "arms" around him and squeezing!! He knows "this is it" unless he thinks of something quick!!

So he reaches back and starts "massaging" the bear's..."area"!!...the bear starts to loosen it's grip and make nice "growling sounds".

He runs free, runs across a small river and then stops and looks back....

The bear is waving for him to come back!!!

Thank's Clay for one I'll always remember...and I hope the guys on here will too!!
daffydoug
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One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.

In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Did you hear about the man who ate 106 cloves of garlic a day?
He was taken to hospital in a coma.
Doctors said it was from inhaling his own breath. ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Why don't ghosts make good magicians.
You can see right through their tricks. ..
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
FrankBenning
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*A "dumb criminal" joke...he's in the line up and the lady that was attached walks in.

He yells.."That's HER!"


*A dumb criminal TRUE story..a warehouse had been broken into and they thought the crook was still inside.

Police entered and one of them yells out "MARCO!"

Suspect was arrested when he replied "POLO!!"
daffydoug
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12 Redneck Quotes


1. Redneck Quote: It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

2. Redneck Quote: My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

3. Redneck Quote: Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.

4. Redneck Quote: Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

5. Redneck Quote: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

6. Redneck Quote: He's as country as cornflakes.

7. Redneck Quote: If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

8. Redneck Quote: Well butter my butt and call me biscuit.

9. Redneck Quote: It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

10. Redneck Quote: She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

11. Redneck Quote: This is gooder'n grits.

12. Redneck Quote: Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Why did the doughnut baker retire?
He was fed up with the hole business, and was tired of the dough..
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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George W. Bush, distraught over his worsening approval rating, was jogging through Washington in search of inspiration. Taking a break upon reaching the Washington Monument, he looks up for guidance and says, “George, you were one of our greatest Presidents, what should I do?”

Suddenly, a voice is heard from above. George Washington says to George W, “Abolish the I.R.S. and start over.”

George W, amazed that he’s actually talking to a past President, continues his job and this time stops at the Jefferson Memorial. Uttering a similar question to Thomas Jefferson, America’s author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers, he asks “Thomas, you’ve never had these kinds of problems. What can I do to rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “Welfare is not working, abolish it and start over.”

Upon hearing such great advice, George gets excited and plans on going to all the historical sites for guidance. Next stop is the Lincoln Memorial to see President Abraham Lincoln, who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?” After a substantial pause Abe replies, “Take the day off George. Go the the theatre.”
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Science teacher: Can you tell me one substance that conducts electricity, Fred?
Fred: Why, er. . .
Science teacher: Wire is correct...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he’s also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl’s house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.

At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “D***it Spot, get down before he craps on you!”
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
FrankBenning
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One I heard somewhere years ago at a lecture or convention or something:

*An Angel is checking people into Heaven and asking how much money they made on Earth..one guy says.."I made about $200,000 last year. The Andel says..."a lawyer, right?" "Yep...personal injury he replies"

Next guys says..."I made about $250,000" "A doctor asks the Angel" "yea! brain surgeon!"

Then a guy shows up and says "well...I made about $2000 last year"

The Angel asks "so what kind of magic do you do???"
daffydoug
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Fred: When I 'die I'm going to leave my brain to science.
Harry: I suppose every little bit helps. ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his **** in the pickle slicer.
The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
“But what about the pickle slicer?,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
joseph
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Fred won't be at school today," said his mother on the telephone. "He's broken an arm."
"Well tell him we hope he gets better soon."
"Oh he's fine now," said the mother. "It was my arm he broke." ..
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
daffydoug
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For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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