Why did the man ask for alphabet soup?
So that he could read while he was eating...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich

behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.



The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to

the ostrich, 'What's yours?'



'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order

'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls

out the exact change for payment.





The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the

man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'



The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact

change.





This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The

usual?' asks the waitress.





'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked

potato and a salad,' says the man.



'Same,' says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will

be $32.62.'



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket

and places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?'



'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning

the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and

offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for

anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of

money would always be there.'



'That¢s brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would

ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you

want for as long as you live!'



'That¢s right. Whether it¢s a gallon of milk or a Rolls

Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.



The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'



The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for

a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I

say.'

What was the largest island in the world before Australia was discovered?
Australia. ...

What do polar bears getting from sitting on the ice for too long?

Polaroids!!!!

Somehow, I can't picture that!

Posted: Jul 9, 2008 9:13pm
Would that come from a cold snap?

What are the holes in Chinese coins used for?

That's right Peking.

There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. ...

"And then the fight started"

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wi fe about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

A man went into the local department store where he saw a sign on the escalator; Dogs must be carried on this escalator.
The man then spent the next two hours looking for a dog. ...

Unfortunately, it was a misspelling, and Doug was laughing at the top of the escalator.

What did one worm say to another when he was late home?
Why in earth are you late? ...

Here is one from my son, Tim...

One day a boy went to visit his grandfather. Grandfather lived on a farm. For breakfast, they had omelettes. The boy noticed a black film over the plates. The boy asked, "Grandpa, are these plates clean?"

Grandfather answered, "They're as clean as Cold Water can get them."

For lunch, they had peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. The boy noticed bits of egg on the plate. The boy asked, "Grandpa, are these plates clean?"

Grandfather answered, "They're as clean as Cold Water can get them."

For dinner, they had hamburgers. The boy noticed jelly on his plate, and asked, "Grandpa, are these plates clean?"

Grandfather answered, "They're as clean as Cold Water can get them."

On his way out, the boy was bothered by his grandfather's dog. He insisted, "Grandpa, your dog won't leave me alone!" His grandfather looked at the dog and ordered, "Cold Water, go lie down!"

Did you hear about the magician who turned his friend into an egg?
He kept trying to poach his ideas.

Why don't anteaters ever get sick?

There full of little, tiny antibodies.

Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms! ...

I'm reading a great book about levitations. I can't put it down!

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.... no, 2..... no, 4.... no, 8...

A child is being tucked into bed by his mother during a really bad thunderstorm. He asks his mother if she would sleep with him in his bed. She says she has to sleep in daddy's bed with him. As she turns to shut off the light she hear him mumble under his breath...."The big sissy!"

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

… Because he felt crummy....

What's yellow and can walk through walls?

Casper, the friendly banana!


Posted: Aug 10, 2008 11:38pm
I can tell this joke because I'm Polish.

Pete the Polack walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Where did you get that dumb looking thing?"

"Warsaw" said the parrot.