Remember kids....... you can pick your nose and you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your friends nose.

You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends... but you can't wipe your friends on your pant leg.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.

"Aaarrrr," said the pirate, "It was me first day with me hook."

Bill

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of...

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have ...

Televangelists: The Pro rasslers of religion...

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes...

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...

Definition of aFreudian slip: "Saying one thing and meaning a mother."

When I was a little kid, I tried to check out a book from the library.

The librarian said to me, "Why on earth do you want to read Advice to Young Mothers?"

I said, "I'm collecting moths."

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?...

Dynamike proves a black cow can give white milk.

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem ...

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

My mother and father were cousins. That's why I look so much alike.

This is a passenger announcement:
The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways...

What do you call a vato(homie/gangsta) with one leg shorter than the other?
"Not even Holmes"

Same guys drops his papers,wind takes some away.
"hey come back here essay"

When the house fell on him.

"Get off me holmes"

Some people are like a Slinky . Not really good for anything ...but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down stairs.

What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand...

I swear to buddha this is a real story
I went to the doc to have my prostate examined, and just like the cliche, he snapped the glove loudly on his hand. I nervously asked,"did you have to do that with such gusto?" to which he replied, "its the only fun part of this job."

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself...

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day. She said get me something with a small diamond in it. So I got her a drill bit - now she can do her own DIY

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood...

My brother married a Japanese girl.

When you go into their house you

only have to remove one shoe.