What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Who's cruel idea was it to spell lisp with an "s"?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

As a man was walking down the street, he saw a woman walking toward him. She was carrying a pig! The man asks, "Where did you get THAT thing???" to which the pig replies, "I won it at the fair!"

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday...

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The"
and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his
fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was
anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the
uncle to ask him and addition question.

So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said,
"Seven!"

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your
hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will
get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy puts his hands in his pockets and his uncle
asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy
said, "Eleven!"

My bathroom light burned out last night..I couldn't see where I was going...

An elderly lady called her phone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always barked right
before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to
see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a
nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed
the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog barked
loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from
the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post
via an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when
the phone number was called.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and
then urinate on the ground.

4. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing
the phone to ring.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the
bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts
shooting them back really fast, one after another. The
bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those
drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast
too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

"Dad, will you help me with my homework?"
"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try." ...

Kid doing his homework: "Dad, how do you find the square root of a number?"

Dad: "I dunno. I was never good at math."

Kid (a little later): "Dad, In what year did Columbus discover America?"

Dad: "I don't know a lot about history."

Kid: "Dad, what's an adjective?"

Dad: "Gee, son, I don't know anything about grammar."

Kid (later): "Dad... Oh, never mind."

Dad: "Go ahead and ask questions, son. How else are you going to learn?"

In some US cities crime has odd effects. Take Washington DC
for example; There, cabs are so expensive, it's cheaper to get
mugged and wait for the ambulance...

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it
IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty
nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard
drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within
20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on
ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access
code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-900
numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU
LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee
table when you are expecting company. It will replace your
shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the
"Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows Vista environment,
it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not
only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

Once some burglars raided a bank. One of them,
pointing the gun to the cashier, said:
"Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say 'HISTORY.'"
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject." ...

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd
porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that
it had feet. After they had photographed and measured
the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't
it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to
amputate the feet so that it would be like other
porpoises?" "

Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be
defeeting the porpoise."

Tips on survival in the desert:
Always have a compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.
The compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration...
The deck?..Well, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" ...

I love it when, in real life, something happens that gives me a really good/bad/CORNY joke I can use forever...and post on here too!!!

Was amking out a check to pay for an oil change just yeasterday and on the "for"...I wrote "van oil"...this gave me this one!!!....

"Now..whenever I write a check...where it says "for"...I write "Van Gough".."

"Because I always leave off the (y)ear"

As you say this last line, I think you'd need to point to your ear (either one!) as you say "year"...so they can really look at you without laughing.

I laughed anyway!!!

Sorry about the "amking" instead of "MAKING"!!

Of course "amking" is the oppisite of "pmking"

Ohhhhhhh....

Once I got angry at an Italian restaurant, so I gave them a pizza my mind. ..

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome." ..

California smog test: Can UCLA? ...

This is getting to be my FAVORITE place on the 'Cafe here!!...I now have 9 (count 'em!!) pages of the "best" jokes from on here...FUN thinking about adding more 'n MORE on into the future!!!

Ohh...this is TRUE!!.. I always said that IF I ever had something happen where they had to take off both my legs...I'd be able to do a favorite joke for the rest of my life... here we go...

If I saw someone looking at me in my wheelchair with no legs I'd say "...I know what you're thinking...what happened to him!!!...well...I used to work for the railroad and one day while crawling under a freight car...the train moved and...there went my legs!!!...I go a lawyer and we tried to get money from the train company...but they threw it out of court...I didn't have a leg to stand on..."

I'd smile and laugh...and hope they would also!!

HUH?..

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert...