A magician opened his refrigerator and found his rabbit sitting inside.

"What are yo you doing in the Frigidaire?" he cried.

The rabbit replied, "This isn't a Fwigidaire. This is a Westinghouse!"

"Then, what are you doing in the Westinghouse?" the magician asked.

The rabbit answered, "Westing."

And what about those hedgehogs? Why can't they just share the hedge?...
(This actually won the England joke contest.)...

A young girl went to the doctor. At one point during the visit, the doctor placed the stethoscope on her chest and said, "big breaths."

She replied, "Yeth, and I am only fourteen!"

Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out?

Yes, over there, the same way that you came in...

The audience gave Photius a nice applause only because they thought it was Dynamike.

Cessna pilot: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!"
Do you have the airfield in sight?"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."...

A man walked into a fish market and asked the worker, "Why are your fish rotten?" The worker said, "Long time no sea."

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere...

No offense guys, but why do Caucasians have no shadows?

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say, 'well done'?"

"Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment." ...

My grandmother was obsessed with Houdini. She wanted to see him do a magic trick. She found him and followed him. Finally one day she saw him walk down the street and turn into a drug store.

Q: "Waiter, why do you have your thumb in my steak?"

A:"Well, I did not want it to fall off the plate again. Besides, it's not hot."

You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When.....

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in...

Waiter, waiter there's a fly in my soup!
Well if you wanted him in your desert you should have said so.

Waiter, waiter there's a fly in my soup!
That's not a fly sir, that's dirt in the shape of a fly.

Waiter, waiter there's a fly in my soup!
Better than soup on your fly sir.

What does an eagle like to write with?
A bald-point pen...

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the
Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the Preacher asks: "Leroy, what do
you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The Preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top
of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks:
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says: "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday!"

A older woman went to the Doctor. At one point during the visit, the Doctors palced the stethoscope on her chest, said, big breaths!!. She said, "Well, they used to be!"

If you owned the last ice cream parlor in the country, would you call it "Custards Last Stand?" ...

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero
instituted a new game. The players would take those little
disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture,
and see who could get the most distance rolling them across
the floor.

They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the
disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk
would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

How can you recognize a dogwood tree?

By its bark!