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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Some corny jokes (4 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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joseph
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Eternal Order
Please ignore my
17083 Posts

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How do lovebirds dance?
Chick to chick...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Eric Lott
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Michigan
85 Posts

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Quote:
On 2009-08-20 12:50, Bill Ligon wrote:
If you receive an email from the Department of Health
telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine
flu.... Ignore it. It's just spam.
This is awesome Bill. I got a lot of laughs and mileage out of this one. Thank you!
Bill Ligon
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A sure sign of a misspent youth:
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A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing
cards...

You need a Heart to love him
A Diamond to marry him
A Club to smash his head in
And a Spade to bury him.
Author of THE HOLY ART: Bizarre Magick From Naljorpa's Cave. NOW IN HARDCOVER! VIEW: <BR>www.lulu.com/content/1399405 ORDER: http://stores.lulu.com/naljorpa
<BR>A TASSEL ON THE LUNATIC FRINGE
MagicBus
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Kalamazoo, Michigan
2875 Posts

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Wife to Electrician: Wire are you insulate?

Electrician: Watt's it to you, I'm ohm ain't I?
joseph
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Young magician: Doctor! Doctor! Everytime I belch, a fifty cent piece comes out.
Doctor: "Ah don’t worry, you’re going through your change"...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
joseph
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"My alpha-bits love me....They are saying; o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

"Dad, you're eating cheerios." .....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
JimbosMagic
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
JIMMY CARLO. KIDabra International Family Entertainer of the Year 2009.
IBM Triple Award Winner. Uk Champion of Comedy Magic.
Represented the UK in the United Slapstick Awards on German TV.
European Children's Entertainer of the year 2007/8
JimbosMagic
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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
JIMMY CARLO. KIDabra International Family Entertainer of the Year 2009.
IBM Triple Award Winner. Uk Champion of Comedy Magic.
Represented the UK in the United Slapstick Awards on German TV.
European Children's Entertainer of the year 2007/8
JimbosMagic
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a set of weighing scales.
And then the fight started...
JIMMY CARLO. KIDabra International Family Entertainer of the Year 2009.
IBM Triple Award Winner. Uk Champion of Comedy Magic.
Represented the UK in the United Slapstick Awards on German TV.
European Children's Entertainer of the year 2007/8
JimbosMagic
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, I replied, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
JIMMY CARLO. KIDabra International Family Entertainer of the Year 2009.
IBM Triple Award Winner. Uk Champion of Comedy Magic.
Represented the UK in the United Slapstick Awards on German TV.
European Children's Entertainer of the year 2007/8
DWRackley
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Chattanooga, TN
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What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For one you need a tweetment, for the other you only need an oinkment.
...what if I could read your mind?

Chattanooga's Premier Mentalist

Donatelli and Company at ChattanoogaPerformers.com

also on FaceBook
DWRackley
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Chattanooga, TN
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On the virtues of a healthy lifestyle...

Back in June, my 90 year old grandma started walking for an hour a day. Today we have no idea where she is.
(ba da boom!)

People tell me I should get in shape. I tell them I'm IN shape! (Round is a shape.)

I'm not really worried about cholesterol. I drive WAY too fast to be worried about cholesterol.

You've heard of the "see food" diet? Actually I'm a light eater. As soon as it gets light, I start eating.

I got one of the dieter's wallets with the cards in it, where every time you eat something you move a card to other side. I liked it so well I got a second set of cards.

Actually I did go on one of those six week diet plans. I lost about four weeks.
...what if I could read your mind?

Chattanooga's Premier Mentalist

Donatelli and Company at ChattanoogaPerformers.com

also on FaceBook
joseph
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Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
MaxfieldsMagic
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Instead of practicing, I made
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Q: What's the difference between a nearsighted marksman and a constipated owl?

A: One shoots but doesn't hit, the other hoots but...
Now appearing nightly in my basement.
joseph
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Bartender: What will you have?..

Skeleton: A beer and a mop, please...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
MaxfieldsMagic
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Instead of practicing, I made
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Q: How do you know when there's a banjo player knocking on your door?

A: The knocking speeds up and slows down, and he never knows when to come in.
Now appearing nightly in my basement.
JimbosMagic
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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and
hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of
this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been
doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY
like it!
JIMMY CARLO. KIDabra International Family Entertainer of the Year 2009.
IBM Triple Award Winner. Uk Champion of Comedy Magic.
Represented the UK in the United Slapstick Awards on German TV.
European Children's Entertainer of the year 2007/8
JimbosMagic
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Two Blondes With Hammers...


Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
JIMMY CARLO. KIDabra International Family Entertainer of the Year 2009.
IBM Triple Award Winner. Uk Champion of Comedy Magic.
Represented the UK in the United Slapstick Awards on German TV.
European Children's Entertainer of the year 2007/8
JimbosMagic
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Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

You might have to think twice about this one..
JIMMY CARLO. KIDabra International Family Entertainer of the Year 2009.
IBM Triple Award Winner. Uk Champion of Comedy Magic.
Represented the UK in the United Slapstick Awards on German TV.
European Children's Entertainer of the year 2007/8
JimbosMagic
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1334 Posts

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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde
replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then
I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting
myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make
aloud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.
JIMMY CARLO. KIDabra International Family Entertainer of the Year 2009.
IBM Triple Award Winner. Uk Champion of Comedy Magic.
Represented the UK in the United Slapstick Awards on German TV.
European Children's Entertainer of the year 2007/8
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Now that’s funny! » » Some corny jokes (4 Likes)
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