Whats the difference between a bad Sniper and a constipated Owl???
One shoots but cant hit.......................

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn!", this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

People who eat with one chopstick often go hungry...

What's green and stands in a corner?

A naughty frog.

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't...

What do termites eat for breakfast?

Oakmeal.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

What do you do when your wife's staggering?
Shoot her again.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils...

This lady goes into the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist for some cyanide. The pharmacist says ma'am I cannot give you cyanide, I'll lose my job. He asks ma'am what do you need cyanide for? The woman said I caught my husband cheating!! And I'm going to poison him. Well the pharmacist gets very upset and asks the woman to leave. The woman says before I leave I'll ask you one more time, for the cyanide she reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife and shows it to him. He replies that's different I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A PRESCRIPTION!!!!

Birdies

Little birdies in the sky
dropping things from way up high
Mr Farmer wiping eye
Thank gosh pigs can't fly...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,
saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because
you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my
entire career!!"

Dolly Parton would make a better magician than me...
mainly because she has a couple of things I don't have............
brains and a checkbook...

Teacher: Joey, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?
Joey: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

If hurricanes are so dangerous, why does every channel have a reporter standing in the middle of it?...

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.

The guy who owned the local cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2:10, 4:20 and 8:40.

The French tennis player, Nicolas Mahut, who lost after over 11 hours of play at Wimbledon this year, is to be awarded the Legion D'Honneur, as his effort beats the previous French resistance record of 6 hours 42 minutes set in May 1940.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.