If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? ...

A magician walks into a building and says to the clerk, " I'd like a cheeseburger, a drink, and fries." The clerk says, "This is a library." Then the magician whispers, "Sorry, I'd like a cheeseburger, a drink and fries.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have...

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

I drove through a cemetary and wound up at a dead end...

Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "
Sheli: " No, what about her?"
Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."
Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"
Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?...

A senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," replied Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Why would you buy a boomerang knowing that the terms were "No Returns"...

Kyle recently learned a lesson in what celibacy is. He and his wife were attending a marriage encounter group. The group leader was lecturing on the importance of knowing the things which are meaniful to your spouse. He turned and asked Kyle, "Do you know what your wife's favorite flower is?" Kyle smiled, turned and looked at Kelly, gently touched her on the hand and said, "Gold Medal All Purpose", and that is when Kyle's Celibacy began.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it...

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR..

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...

A king has a most beautiful daughter who had one problem, everything she held in her hand melted.
She picked up a fork it melted, she picked up a rose it melted, she picked up a plate it melted.
The king was so perplexed that he called in all of the Great Wizzards, Professors and Doctors of the land to determine if a cure could be found. After long examination and much consultation the committee announced that the princess could be cured if there could be found just one thing that wouldn't melt in her hand.
The king sent out word to all the surrounding kingdoms offering that if anyone could find something that wouldn't melt when placed in the princess' hand that he would give her to the discoverer in marriage and that they would inherit his kingdom.
Three brave princes showed up to try to win the princess and the kingodm. The first drew out a sword of the finest steel and placed it in the princess' hand, but alas, the sword melted.
The second prince produced a handful of diamonds and placed them in the princess' hand, but alas they also melted.
The third prince stepped forward and said to the Princess, "Place your hand in my pocket and tell me what you feel there." The princess placed her hand in the Prince's pocket and felt and got a surprised look on her face. "What do you feel?" he asked. She still surprised said " I don't know, but its round and hard." And low and behold even though it was in the princess' hand it did not melt. And she wed the prince and they inherited the kingdom and lived happily ever after...

What's that you say? What was in the pocket of the Prince that would not melt in her hand?

Why M&Ms, everybody knows they melt in your mouth and not in your hand.

A priest, a magician, and engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine. The priest was asked if he had any last words to which he replied, "I wish to lay on my back as the blade drops so I am facing the way to heaven." So as he is on his back, the blade drops, he prays loudly and the blade stops just a fraction of an inch from his neck and he is unharmed. He is told that his god is most powerful and he can live but must leave the country.
The magician is asked what he would like, he too says that he desires to be facing the blade. The magician made a gesture as the blade started to drop and again, the blade stopped before doing its job. The magician was told his magic was powerful and he too had to leave the country.
The engineer also requested to be looking up at the blade since, "I like to see how things work."
Just before the blade was released he yelled out "WAIT! I see whats stopping the blade from dropping all the way down!"

One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.

In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"

A guy walks into a bar - asks beautiful blond if she would sleep with him for a million bucks. She thinks about it and says - "Okay" then he asks her if she would sleep with him for five bucks. She says "What kind of a woman do you think I am?" He replies: "Well, we've already established that, now we are just haggling over the price."

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A burglar breaks into a house and hears in a low voice "Jesus is watching you". He looks around and sees no-one, He continues to look around and again hears in a low voice "Jesus is watching you". He looks in the corner and sees this parrot and asks the parrot, did you say that? the parrot replies yes it was me. The Burglar says so you must be Jesus and the Parrot says No My name is Moses Jesus is the Pit Bull behind you.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.


It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really
were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went to Tommy again and slapped him off his chair.

With lips quivering, Tommy said, "I'm sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age,
I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, you asked for that! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked up to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.