I got in a car accident today. I rear ended a car and the guy got out and he was a dwarf. He said,"im not happy" I said, "well which one are you?"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread...

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
Because they kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach

So there is this fish under the water looking up at this fly thinking if that fly would just drop 6 inches I can jump up catch the fly and have me some lunch.....
This gets the attention of a Bear in the woods, The Bear is thinking If that Fly would drop 6 inches the fish will Jump for the fly and I will go for the fish and Have me some Lunch....
What the Bear doesn't realize is there is a Hunter in the woods, The Hunter is thinking if that Fly would just drop 6 inches the Fish would go for the fly, the bear would go for the fish leaving me with a clear shot at the Bear and I will Have me some Lunch....
Well this goes on for a while and the Hunter gets Hungry and pulls out a sandwich for lunch,
This gets the attention of a Mouse, The Mouse thinks if the fly would just drop 6 inches the Fish would go for the Fly, The bear will go for the Fish, The Hunter will shoot the Bear and in the process drop his sandwich and I will go for the Sandwich and Have me some Lunch....
Well!!! this gets the attention of a cat and the cat is thinking If That Fly would Just drop 6 inches The Fish would go for the Fly, The Bear will go for the Fish, The Hunter will shoot the bear and in the process drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, I will go for the Mouse and Have me some Lunch.... Well wouldn't you know it, The Fly Drops, The fish Jumps, The Bear runs, The Hunter drops His sandwich, The Mouse goes for the sandwich, The cat goes for the mouse but the mouse ducks and the cat goes into the water

The Moral of the story is if you drop a fly 6 inches The Pu**y is bound to get wet

How do you fix a broken tomato?
With tomato paste

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach...

Two nuns came to my door today collecting for a new orphanage, so I gave them my three children.

I asked why the balloons were so expensive...
He said they had to allow for inflation...

Where do tough chickens come from?
Hard boiled eggs!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking...

Two men walked into a bar. You'd think that the second would have been smart enough to duck.

What happened when man invented the wheel?

A big revolution took place.

I just returned from a pleasure trip..

I drove my mother in law to the airport...

EXCITED FIRST GRADER: I learned how to write in school today.

MOTHER: What did you write?

EXCITED FIRST GRADER: I don't know. They haven't taught us how to read yet!

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research...

Q: What does a cell phone give his girlfriend?

A: A RING!

What does Jardine give his girlfriend?

Half a ring...

Little Billy was not a very good student and math was by far the worst subject. His parents had tried many things including home school and personal instructors. Nothing worked.
They decided to send him to a catholic school they had heard about which had an incredible amount of success in teaching.
The first day after school, Little Billy came home, went to his room and did his homework. After dinner, he went back to his room and studied, no cartoons or video games for him.
This went on day after day.
The day report cards were sent home, Little Billy sat his on the table and went directly to his room. At dinner, his parents mentioned his grades. From almost failing to B’s and A’s, with Arithmetic scoring an A+.
“Billy,” they asked, “what have they done to teach you? You never managed good grades and now, such a great report card, WITH an A+ in math!”
Little Billy replied, “Well, on my first day when I went in, I noticed they had someone hanging on a giant plus sign… soooooo… ”

Q. What's red and looks like a bucket?

A. A red bucket

Q. What's blue and looks like a bucket?

A. A red bucket in disguise