A beautiful girl was knocking on my door all night. Finally I had to let her out.

The magician wanted to be a marriage counselor. He never took any classes but he was married 8 times.

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

When does friday come before thursday? In the dictionary.

A woman's husband dies, and rumor is he had a healthy insurance policy. A few weeks later a friend sees her and asks her how she is doing. The woman answered, "Well I'm doing well enough, I just hope that I can make ends meet now that I've only got one income." So the friends asked "Didn't your husband have any insurance?" And the widow answered, "Oh yes, but there were some expensese that ate into it. The policy was for $500,000, but the hospital bills were $20,000, and the funeral was another $20,000. Then, of course, there was the memorial stone." The friend asked, "How big was the memorial stone?" The widow held out her hand and said, "40 carats".

My jokes are so corny they can be used for making whiskey.

Little Billy wanted a bicycle for his birthday. When he told his father of the wish, his dad replied, “Billy, we have to make a mortgage payment of about $1700 every month,
Your mother just lost her job and my salary has been reduced at my job. I do not think we will be able to afford a bike at this time.”
The next morning Little Billy was carrying a suitcase and starting to walk out the door when his father seen him, “Billy, where are you going?”
Billy said, “Last night I got up and went to the bathroom and I could hear you and mom talking. You said you were getting ready to pull out and mom said to wait for her because she wanted to come too. Well, I will be darned if I’m stuck here with a $1700 mortgage and NO bike!”

Dear mum,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs and beer.


Wish us luck
Katie

P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

Xx

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up...

Definition of a child: something that comes half way between an adult and a television set.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?...

I want to thank the little old lady from Iowa who sent me that three legged milking stool. Now if you will just send me another card and tell me which legs to milk.

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater!

A missionary went to a canabal tribe and tried to convert them. In the process he taught the chief of the canabals to play a piano he had brought with him. The chief was an excellent student and after a few months had mastered the art of playing the piano. The chief enjoyed playing on the piano every day, but grew bored with the missionary and threw him in the stew pot. After a few more months the high humidity of the jungle began to effect the piano and it fell out of tune. So the chief called one of his runners and told him, "I want you to go down to Cape Town and bring me back a piano tuner."
So the runner takes off and runs all the way to Cape Town and begins to search for a piano tuner. Fearing the Chief's retribution, he was very careful to pick out someone who he felt was the best piano tuner in all of Cape Town. Upon return to the tribal village the runner introduced the piano tuner to the Chief. "Chief, I went down to Cape Town as you ordered and searched hight and low for the finest piano tuner in the town. I personally examined the credentials, integrity, reputation, and experience of each piano tuner. This man comes from a very fine family who can trace their lineage back to English and French nobility. His entire family moves in only the best and highest circles of society. He has seven University Degrees. He has won awards from both national and world wide organizatons for philanthropy. He is world recognized for his expertese in piano tuning. He is absolutely the best piano tuner I could find."
The chief looked at the runner and growled, "I didn't want a tuner with good taste, I wanted a tuner that tastes good."

Old? .. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ...

Mr. Pappas owned a restaurant. One day a Jewish Rabbai came in to have a coffee, when he went to pay Mr. Pappas told him, "No charge. Clergy never pay in my restaurant." The Rabbai thanked him graciously and the next morning when Mr. Pappas went to open the restaurant he found a package outside of the door, inside was a beautiful copy of the Old Testament in fine print and bound in fine leather, with a thank you note from the Rabbai. "How nice", Mr. Pappas thought.

Next day a Roman Catholic priest came into the restaurant and ordered some baklava and coffee. When he went to pay, Mr Pappas told him again, "No charge. Clergy never pay in my restaurant." The priest thanked him graciously and the next morning when Mr. Pappas went to open the restaurant he found a package outside of the door, inside was a beautiful gold cross with a thank you note from the priest. "How nice", Mr Pappas thought.

The next day, a protestant clergyman came in and ordered a sandwich and coffee. When he went to pay, Mr. Pappas told him, "No charge. Clergy never pay in my restaurant." The minister thanked him graciously and the next morning when Mr. Pappas went to open the restaurant he found a package outside of the door, and inside was a beautiful copy of the New Testament and a thank you note from the minister. "How nice", Mr Pappas thought.

The next day a Greek Orthodox priest came in and ordered Gyro, Mousaka, Slouvaki, wine, Greek coffee, and Baklava. When he went to pay Mr. Pappas told him, "No Charge, Father. Priests never pay in my restaurant." The priest nodded a thank you and left. The next morning as Mr. Pappas approached his restaurant from a great distance he could see what appeared to be a great black sea outside the door of his restaurant. As he got closer he realized it was 200 Greek Orthodox priests waiting for him to open.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car...

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing...

Question: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Answer: Anyone can roast beef.