Mexican firefighters are always paired up - Jose and Hose B...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

A couple of years ago I took my wife to see David Copperfield perform. He also picked her from the audience to use her on stage. I have not seen her since.

Argument (ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, and continues until he realizes it.

When a person gets married, they get three rings. An engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffe ring.

Blonde jokes (blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.

Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison...

Cantaloupe (kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

A sign in a store read "Only sightseeing dogs allowed". I wonder if you put a Hawaiian shirt and a camera on your dog, if he could get in. ...

Clothes dryer (kloze drI•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door...

Diet soda (dI•it so•duh) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

People from New York are called New Yorkers. Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers? ...

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down! ...

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had b**bs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done. ...

Diamond (dI-mun) n. Something you think should be on your finger but he can only see in a baseball park.

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word." ...