I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest. ...

Why did the genius refuse to do weight training?

He did not want to lift dumbbells.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you see perfectly? ...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did ordered and he pinched, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed each one for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know, 'she said,' I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came!'

Is the hostess on a plane full of magicians a 'sleight' attendant?...

If all the magicians on that plane do the Linking rings, would it be a 'Ring Flight'

I call my magic act "Ex-Lax" because all of it passed through Colon first.

When lawyers compete in a marathon, is it a trial run?...

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?????....

*He pasta away
*We cannoli do so much
*His legacy will become a pizza history
*Here today, gone tomato
*How sad he ran out of thyme
*Sending olive my prayers to the family
*His wife is really upset...cheese still not over it
*You never saw sausage a tragic thing

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you. ...

"If life was fair...Mother's day would be 9 months long and Father's Day would only last 5 minutes"

(a Red green saying)

I came up with this one myself:

A man asks a coworker "Where'd you go on vacation?"
She replies "Barbuda. It was nice"
He replies "Wow! really? I never knew there was a Buddha who drank!"

I always take life with a grain of salt, ..
plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. ...

Overheard at a Gospel magic show: "Is this seat saved?" "No, but it's under conviction."

I couldn't sleep last night...kept waking up worrying about where the sun was, or if it was ever gonna shine again.

Then it dawned on me.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. ...

They say they don't jump off bridges in Egypt, but really they are in denial.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. ...

I changed the spray can of air freshener in the bathroom at work for an air horn... now I wait.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. ...