I was playing poker the other day with a deck of tarot cards


Got a full house and 4 people died

Two biscuits are walking down the road.
One says "Where do you live?"
the other replies "I'm not telling you that, you'll steal my washing".

Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and eight children? (gotta say that one aloud...)

I usually follow it with One of the kids was kicked out of school for buttering up the teacher.

At a restaurant - if the jokes get too bad, just take your butter knife and put it on the salt shaker. Then you'll have assault with a deadly weapon.

Or could we say that your trying to butter up the assault charge.

Here is one I love...but only about 1 in 10 folks get it. But for the right audience (ie, nerds) it really kills. For everyone else - they will stare at you and wait for the punchline. I usually preface it by saying that it's my nerd test, if you laugh then you're a nerd. (I should mention here that I'M a nerd ... )

Anyway.

Heisenburg was pulled over by a policeman. The cop asked him "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenburg said "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

I got pulled over one time and the officer said to me your eyes look blood shot have you been drinking I replyed no. then I said to the officer your eyes look glazed have you been eating Donuts ?

True story about above post.I was at my girlfriend's house and said that,then I asked her father what he did for a living,and he said he was a cop.Should have known with the German Shepard.Meh what can you do.

Hear about the Egyptian magician who can do a perfect Pharoah shuffle?.....

You Don't Dial 911 to get your Local Police. you just Dial Your Local Donut Shop.

Can't really think of any jokes now. I'm too busy getting my bed linens out of the dryer. Excuse me while I take a sheet...................

And that's No Sheet

Don't eat it or you will be full of sheet.

I took all my bed linens out of the dryer put them on the floor.
My wife said I was in Deep Sheet.

kOnO

What has four wheels and flies. a garbage truck.

Or a tailors van..

In school, I majored in History; then I found out there was no future in it.....

Oh yeah? Well I'll have you know I went to school stupid...and that's how I came out; stupid! Oh, wait, that didn't come out right.

When I was in school my teacher asked who shot Abraham Lincoln, I said I didn’t do it!
She got really mad and told me that I had to have one of my parents come and talk to her….
My dad was not too happy about having to go see my teacher but he went.
When he got there the teacher said. I asked you son ‘who shot Abraham Lincoln, and he said he didn’t do it.’

To that My Father said “Listen, my son might not be too bright but he’s no lier and if he said he didn’t do it then you can belive he didn’t do it….”


kOnO

A man goes to see his proctologist. The nurse tells him to strip down and have a seat on the table and the doctor would be in shortly. He strips down, puts on the gown and sits on the table waiting for the doctor. He looks over to the counter top and notices three objects. A tube of KY jelly, a pair of latex gloves, and a can of beer. Finding this quite odd he asks the doctor. "Doc, I know what the KY jelly is for, I also know what the latex gloves are for, but what on earth are you going to do with that can of beer?" The doctor gives a quick look to the items and shouts out the door "Darn it Ellen, I said a butt light!!"

When I went to school I never learned anything. and evrey day I'll walk 4 miles to school and 4 miles from school. and I never learned anything because school was 5 miles away.