Knock Knock Who's There ? Ima Ima Who ? Ima Gonna think of some Better Jokes we need it.

Guy is stumbling down the street at 2 in the morning, dead drunk. Cop stops him and says "Where are you going?' Drunk says "I'm (hic) going to a lecture!"

Cop says "where are you going to find a lecture at 2 AM?"

Drunk says " My (hic) WIFE!!"

Man runs in the bar and yells to the other, "My chihuahua is killing your pit bull!" "How can that be?" "He's choking on him!"...

Knock knock. Whos there? Donchoo. Donchoo who? Don choo just hate stupid knock knock jokes?

Want to hear a dirty joke?
Yes.
I fell in the mud!

Want to hear a clean one?
Yes.
I washed myself off.

A mushroom goes in a bar and asks for a beer....Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here."......Mushroom says, "Why not?...I'm a fun guy." (fungi)....

That's almost like the string who went into the bar. and the bartender goes to him and says to him. excuse me but we don't serve strings here. and so the string ties himself into a knot and the string says nope I'm a frayed knot.

Why do you park on a driveway??

Why would you go to the doctor to have them practice on you??

Why do they have brail on drive-thru-ATM machines??

Why would you drive on a parkway?? Wouldn't that be unsafe?

Did you know a fish has a memory span of 3 seconds....and so do humans when there boss is yelling at them?

I still can't figure out why they call it a strip mall. I have to find a Strip bar in one...dang nab-it

Why do you jump on a Trampoline....shouldn’t you get trampled on it??

Did you know pounding

Michael

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) ( I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off !
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing???)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Michael

This was sent to me and they were all credited to Tommy Cooper.



1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
 
 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
 
 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says,  "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
 
 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
 
 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
 
 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
 
 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
 
 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
 
 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
 
 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
 
 11. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's like Tom Jones syndrome.'Is it common? "It's not unusual."
 
 12. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"
 
 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
 
 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
 
 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
 
 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
 
 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
 
 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
 
 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
 
 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
 
 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
 
 22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
 and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
 

Will

Anyone have any limericks or poems.

There once was a locksmith named Don
Who said "Tools are my sine qua non
I use wrenches and picks
For most of my tricks
But my rakes I just save for the lawn."

There once was a man with a beard,

who said "Tis just as I feared" "Three larks and a wren, two crows and a hen,

have all built their nest in my beard!"

CamelotFX very good and quite Creative. you and DaffyDoug get a A+.

It's not how often you're coughin, it's the coffin they carry you off in....

There was a lady who triplets begat,
Nat pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
but trouble feeding
because she didn't have a tit for tat.

There once was a magician named Pat
He was a large man, some say he was fat.
He would pull out his bunny
Pour on maple syrup and bee's honey
And eat it right there where he sat!

There once was a lady from New York
She married a magical dork.
He practiced real hard
with his coins and his cards,
Till one day she stabbed him with a fork!

There once was a magician named Maven
The Magic Castle was his chosen haven,
He read people's minds
He did it all the time
And for that, they never really forgave him!

David Copperfield flew through the air,
Tricks like this are really quite rare,
But after he performed the illusion Portal
he was proven not to be mortal
cause it didn't even mess up his hair!

Lyndel

There once was a fellow named Tim
And Floridians said "Hey, that's him!
He's that cop we adore on
His Magic 4 Morons
But he could use some time in the gym."

Mary had a litle lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
to see if they would fall over.

What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.....

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

This version can be told at kid parties. There is another version (or so I am told ) that is more risqué. If the parents know that version and you start this one you can hear a loud sigh of relief from them when you conclude with this version.