Spatrick

Boy if anyone really thinks that was a salt water cow must be crazy. Thanks for clarifying that is a fresh water cow. The best in the world. I rather eat a fresh water cow. Less sodium LOL

Michael

I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like....

Another guy only sprayed under his right arm....He couldn't find any Left Guard.....

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was taking it out for a drive, when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over, and she did.

He gets out of his truck, takes a piece of chalk out of his pocket, draws a circle on the road, and says "Now stand in that circle and don't move!"

Then he goes to her car and cuts up her leather seats. When he turns around she has a slight grin on her face, so he says "You think that's funny? Then watch this!"

He grabs a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns around and looks she has a smile on her face, and now he is getting really mad.

He gets his jack knife out and slashes all her tires, and now she is laughing! The truck driver is really starting to lose it at this point, so he goes to his truck, gets a can of gas and pours it on her car and sets the whole thing ablaze.

He turns around, and she is laughing so hysterically she is about to fall down.

He is going crazy trying to figure her out, and shouts at the top of his lungs "What is so d*** FUNNY??!!"

She says " Ha ha! When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle four times!"

If buttercups are yellow, what color are hiccups?

BURPLE!!!!

Yeah, Burple, like Belch's Grape Juice.....

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"


Michael

ROFLMAO!! Michael, that was HILARIOUS!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I laughed my butt off over that last one! That was the funniest joke I've heard in years!! Mirror, you rock man!

A lion wakes up in the jungle to find that a tool is missing. he goes to the elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?"

Elephant replies "What does it look like?"

Lion: "Well, Its got four points on it."

Elephant "Sorry, I haven't seen it." "Try mouse."

So the lion goes to the mouse and asks 'Have you seen my tool?"

Mouse :" What does it look like?"

Lion: "Well, it's got four points on it."

mouse: "Sorry. I haven't seen it. Try Croc."

So the lion goes to the croc and asks "have you seen my tool?"

Croc "What does it look like?"

Lion :"Well, it's got four points on it."

Croc:"Sorry I haven't seen it. Try Jaguar"

Lion goes to jaguar "have you seen my tool?"

Jaguar "Of course. I ate it.'

Lion "Why did you do that?"

Jaguar: "Because I'm a four point, tool eater Jaguar, of course." (Hey, the original topic did ask for CORNY did it not?)

OK. One more:

I was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid it, but the rabbit hopped in front of my car and was killed. Being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, I pulled over to the side of the road to see the rabbit. the rabbit was dead, and I began to cry.

A woman driving along the highway saw me crying, and pulled over to see what was the matter.

I told her that I had hit the rabbit, and killed it, and I felt horrible.

The woman said "Not to worry." "I know what to do." She walked over to her trunk, pulled out a spray can, and sprayed it on the limp dead rabbit rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit sprang to life, jumped up, waved his little paw at us, and hopped down the road. Fifty feet later, the rabbit stopped, turned around and waved again. He hopped another fifty feet, turned around and waved. Then another fifty feet later, he again turned around and waved.

I was flabbergasted. I couldn't figure out what was in the spray can, so I asked her. "What was in the spray can? What did you spray on the rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so I could read it. It said:

Hair spray - restores life to dead hair - adds permanent wave.

Can I get any cornier?

One more. This one will get ya' fellas!"

It was Grandma's 100th birthday, so the family wheeled her out on the lawn where the activities for her party were to take place. Grandma couldn't speak well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time on the lawn, Grandma started to lean off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, and stuffed a pilow on her right to keep her from falling.

A short time later, she began to lean to the left, so once again, they grabbed her, and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started to lean forward, so they grabbed a pillowcase and tied it around her waste to keep her from falling.

A nephew who had arrived late came running up to grandma and asked "Hi Grandma. You're looking good. how have they been treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly began to write a note to the nephew: "Not so good. They won't even let me FART!"



And one more for the road: Lone Ranger and Tonto are walking across the plains, when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down and puts his ear to the ground.

Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, and finally asks "What is it Tonto?"

Tonto says "Buffalo come."

"How can you tell?"

"Ear sticky."

You see a person jump off the roof of a two-story building and not get hurt. So you try to do it yourself. What is that called?

Jumping to contusions.

Rofl over the jaguar one

I taught my girlfriend how to play golf....We started off with the irons, then worked our way into the woods......

Thanks daffydoug. More to come.

Michael

What should you do if you see a bra on the road?
Leave it alone...it might be a booby-trap.

A handyman needed work, so I gave him a bucket of paint and a brush, and told him to paint the porch behind the house. 3 hours later, he came to me covered in paint, and said, "Done, and by the way, that wasn't a Porsche; It was a Ferrari."...

Honest. That last one about the gay crook wil be darn hard to beat. I started telling it to folks at work today. They all thought it was hilarious,too! I guess that guy got to meet "Bubba", huh? Har har har!!

OK. here goes: Two gay guys were walking through a zoo. They happened upon the gorillas, and one of them noticed that the massive male gorilla had a huge woody. This so fascinated them that they couldn't take their eyes of it.

Finally one of the guys couldn't bear it anymore, and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, pulled him into the cage, and banged him for six hours non stop. When he was done, he threw the gay guy back out of the cage.

An ambulance was called, and the man was taken to the hospital.

The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" He shouts. "Wouldn't you be??! The big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

How many magician does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 100. One puts in the lightbulb the other 99 argue which method is the best.

Three expectant mothers, two brunnettes and a blonde, were sitting in the waiting room chatting about their pregnancies and their due dates and such.

One says I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when it was concieved, my husband was on top.

The second one replies. "Well, that must mean that mine is going to be a girl, because when I concieved I was on top."

The blonde suddenly bursts into tears. and just starts balling uncontrollably.

The other two ask "What's the matter honey?"

She sobs "Oh no!!I'm going to have puppies!""

I get no respect. I went to the Dr. I said Dr, my wife has aids. He gave HIMSELF a shot!

Is a contortionist from the Phillipines called a Manila Folder?.....

I get no respect. When I was a kid playing in the sandbox the cats covered me up!

"how old are you? (8 for example) 8? have you ever been 9? try that in a year"

during the burnt shoe routine to the kid

"Do you ever feed the dog?"

no? do you have a dog? No? well then don't feed it!

for No: no, do you have a dog, you do? not for long!

yeah terrible lol

Zack