A chew chew?.....

That was a bad yoke... I mean joke.

Joseph your Correct a Chew Chew Train. it might be Bad but one can wait til it Blows Over.

I wish this topic would run out of steam.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met......

I got a set of Paul Fox cups for my wife.

Not a bad swap.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service......

My ma took me to the zoo. and they thanked her for returning me.

How do you drown a blonde????

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

Michael

Some dog I have. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.....

OK guys, What time do the kids go to bed at in Michael Jacksons house???

When the Big hand touches the Little hand.


Michael

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) The two were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Michael

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

If you get olive oil by squeezing olives, How do you get baby oil?

How do you get a magician off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday......

Three statisticians go hunting with bows and arrows.
They sight a deer.
The first one shoots and misses wide to the left.
The second one shoots and misses wide to the right.
The third one shouts, "Yeah! We got 'im!"

A blonde wishes to prove to her husband that not all blondes are stupid and can't follow directions. When her husband leaves for work she decided to paint the kitchen to surprise him when he gets home. As soon as he leaves she gets right to work. She paints and paints the day away and is doing quite a lovely job. When her husband gets home from work that afternoon he is surprised to see the kitchen painted.... and painted well at that. He is also surprised to see his poor wife laying in the middle of the kitchen floor panting and sweating profusely. He also notices that she is wearing a ski jacket on top of her mink coat. He asks her why she is wearing her ski jacket on top of her mink coat and she replies "the instructions said for best results, apply two coats".


BOOOOOO! I know that was a bad one.

Why would a magicians brain be used as the final load in a mini cups and balls routine? Because it has swollen.

The other day I told my son to paint the porch, he started to backtalk, so I told him to be quite and do it. After some time he came in and said:"well I'm done..... But you know dad you don't have a Porsche, you have a Chevy truck.

What is this sound?: Vroom, Schreeech, Vroom, Schreeech, Vroom, Schreech: A Blonde driving through a flashing red light.

That joke (or something close to it) shows up in "Murder By Death" when Sydney Wang (Peter Sellers, doing a Charlie Chan impression) asks his #1 son their hosts (Lionel Twain played by Truman Capote) address. The son starts to read from a card; "Two Two" and Wang interrupts him; "Yes! Two Two Twain House!"

The rest of the movie wasn't a lot better.



A couple were holding a celebration for their twentith wedding anniversary. A friend noticed the husband would throw angry glances at one of the guests and finally had to ask. The man explained. "That man is my attorney. Shortly after we were married, I realized I couldn't stand married life. Not being able to stand the shame of divorce, I decided to murder my wife and asked him about the ramifications. He explained to me that in this state, I would get twenty years for such a crime. And if I hadn't listened to that man, I'd be free today!"

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Cause it had a virus :O)

Michael

A rather bad man dies and meets the devil in a room with three doors. The devil explains "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these three doors. but the good news is that you can peek behind the doors and take your choice."

So the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. He thought "Not very nice."

behind the second door he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. "Better , he thought", but I better check the last door"
Upon opening that door, he saw a room full of people standing waist deep in excrement sipping coffee.

Of the three, he thought, the last ones looks best, so he waded in to get some coffee while the devil closed the door behind him.

A few minutes later, the door opened, and the devil stuck his head in and said " OK. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"