"Man Stealing Scarlet paint get caught red handed"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones......

Sorry that I have been out of the loop on this post, but here is a new one:

HEALTH QUESTIONS MISCONCEPTIONS PUT TO REST
At last we have the truth!!!!!!!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. It may allow you six more months in a nursing home in depends. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans .another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chocolate Bon Bons in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Michael

Nice info Michael! I never thought of it that way. Here is something really corny I heard the other day.

The Greek god of war Thor was riding through the sky on his horse and proclaiming at the top of his lungs "I AM THOR! I AM THOR"! Just then, his horse turns around to face him and says "Of courth you're Thor, you forgot your thaddle thilly".

Phil

Michael. Brilliant post. Feel like showing it to my doctor and saying, " There! Told you you were wrong!"

All part of my anti fitness campaign. If you have any suggestings on where I can hire someone to change the channels with the remote for me, please tell me. The exercise is killing me.

Regards
Wolflock

Ok Folks whatever Jokes Bomb Here. the Army will be Putting a Fuse on them.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep......

What did one candle say to the other candle ? are you going out Tonight ?

What did the big chimney say to the little one?
You're too young to smoke......

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?



A: DAM!

What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!......

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him with a frying pan.

Phil...I think that one a leads the group of jokes here as one of the worst...lol
I did laugh though

Here's a joke with some cornosity...

Q: Why did the teenager visit the magician?

A: He wanted to have his acne disappear.


...Don't all boo at once...

Okay everybody on the count of three.....one...two...booooooooooooooooo,not yet,i said on three.

Boo who? :o)

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?......

Wolfie why are you Crying ?

My brother used to hit me with a sweater my grandma knitted for him, I developed angoraphobia because of it.

Did you get Angory with him?

Irate that joke a 5....